Raising Daniel

40

Somehow, in the early hours of the morning, I'd ended up very drunk, knocking on Sasha's door. Will had gone to bed long ago, but I'd stayed in the bar, trying to drink away my thoughts. And then the stupid idea of talking to her had entered my head and wouldn't go away.

'Alright, alright.' I heard her say from behind the door. 'What?!' She groaned as she opened it, dressed in her pajamas, her hair all messy and her eyes red. 'Dan? Is everything ok?'

'Yeaaaah.' I slurred.

'You're drunk.' She stated.

'I'm sorry.' I told her. A few moments passed where she just looked at me, waiting for me to explain what I wanted. But I still didn't know what I wanted.

'Have you lost your room key?'

'No.'

'Then what...?' Her hand went to her hip and even in my state, I could tell she was annoyed.

I took my chance and attempted to kiss her. She laughed nervously and put her hand against my chest, keeping me away.

'Dan, this isn't a good idea. I thought we talked about this?'

'I lied. I don't think I am ok with just being friends.' She ushered me in from the doorway, taking my hand in hers and leading me to the bed. She sat down besides me and smiled, sadly. Not in pity or embarrassment, but with care and respect.

'I don't think you're ready for any of this, not yet. You have so much to deal with already without adding me into the mix. I absolutely adore you and the ground you walk on. How you've dealt with all of this, bringing those girls up, keeping a household together and being in the band. If we had met in a different life then I wouldn't even think twice about jumping on you right now. And the truth is...Dan, you were my best friends husband and I don't think I could do this...knowing how much you loved her and still love her.'

I couldn't speak. She'd spoken so honestly and she was genuinely upset about it all, as much as I was. And then I crumbled. She was right; how could I fall for someone else when I was still in love with Hannah? The tears that I'd managed to hold back for a few months came spilling out. She held me, shushing and comforting me. I soon felt the effects of the alcohol wear off and then everything felt very real.

'I do love her, I miss her every single day.' I said through the sobs.

'Me too.' She was cuddling me from behind, her arms locked around my stomach, holding my hands still, as we lay on top of the sheets. Because I couldn't see her face, I felt it easier to speak about how I felt.

'But please don't think I'm doing this because you were her friend. It's more than that....' I trailed off, unsure about telling her just how much I liked her.

'I think, and don't take this the wrong way, that I was the first woman you saw after Hannah died and you want those girls to have a mum and I'm just-'

'No. No it's not that. No.' I cut her off. 'I like being around you. You make me forget how bad things are. You're clever and witty and these last few weeks without you around....I felt lost.'

'I felt like that too. Every time you rang I wanted to answer but I couldn't bring myself to talk to you, even though all I wanted to do was tell you about this stupid thing I saw about dolphins the other day.' She laughed. The laughter helped clear the air a little.

'Thank you.' I told her. 'For being here and...stuff.'

'And I will always be here for you, and when you're ready, one day, maybe....'

'What?' I wiped my face, turned around and looked in her eyes. 'Do you mean...?' I felt a hopeful fire begin to burn inside me.

'Why don't we just stay friends, for now, and see how things go? Keep it casual and-'

'Like this?' I took my chance again and nuzzling up against her neck, stroking the skin on her arms. She protested for a moment and then I heard her do a weird sort of sigh and giggle.

'Oh Dan.' She put her hand under my chin and forced me to look at her. 'You're impossible.' She was still smiling. I wasn't sure what to do next. But she kissed me. Softly, slowly. It felt so good. This is what I wanted. The pain in my chest seemed to dissipate while we were locked together and my mind was full of her. I didn't want it to end. But she broke away, looking right into my soul with her brown eyes. I could see the turmoil in her mind as she regarded me for a good couple of seconds.

'What?' I whispered. I wondered what she was thinking.

'Forget what I said, let's do this.' A massive smile spread across her face, making her look so incredibly beautiful.

'F...for real?' I stammered.

'I want to do this. I want you. I want this.' She had her hand over my heart. Which felt like it was about to explode. The darkness that had engulfed my life felt like it was clearing, like a sunny day after a stormy night. Bit by bit I could feel myself being pulled back together. There would always be a part missing, just as though a jigsaw was missing a piece, but you could still figure out what the picture was.

Hours passed as we drifted in and out of sleep, each of us questioning what we should do next. She was in my arms, our bare skin next to one another.

'Do we tell people?' I asked.

'Not yet.' She'd reply and fall back to sleep. Only to stir a few minutes later and say, 'We should go on a date or something.'

I agreed and yawned. I could just see the sun peaking through the curtains as it rose above the city. I had to go back to my room and relieve my babysitters, Woody and Kyle. I didn't want to leave Sasha, not just minutes after finally deciding to give 'us' a go. But I had the children to look after and I was supposed to be getting up in just a few hours. I kissed her goodbye and promised to see her very soon. She smiled in her sleep and I snook out as I got dressed.

When I entered the room I saw a beautiful sight. They were all fast asleep. Lily, Scarlett and Maddie cuddled in one bed and Woody and Kyle under the covers of the other bed. I took a sneaky photo and slumped onto the couch. My mind and my heart were each racing. I had so much to think about, and for once it was all happy things.