Raising Daniel

38

'Dad, where are my shoes?' Maddie shouted down the stairs. I had Scarlett unpacking the bags by the front door and Lily running circles around me, singing at the top of her lungs. The taxi had been sat waiting for us for ten minutes already and if we didn't leave within the next minute we were going to miss the plane to New York.

'Where you left them Maddie, in the middle of the kitchen floor. Now can you please hurry up?!' I yelled back. 'Scarlett, no!' I spotted her with my passport in her mouth. I swiftly took it from her, causing her to scream. Early morning flights were the bane of my life.

'Daddy, look at this.' Lily said, tugging on my hoodie sleeve.

'Not just now darling, Daddy's trying to get out the house because we're gonna be late and your uncles will be very cross at me.'

'But look-'

'Lily!' She had managed to pour the contents of her carry on bag all over the floor, pencils and crayons rolling off in every direction. I held my breath and covered my eyes. Do not shout. Do not lose your temper, I told myself. 'Sweetie. Pick them all up and I want you to sit down by the door, quietly, and do not move. Ok?' She flashed me her gappy toothed smile and scurried about picking up rogue coloring supplies. 'MADDIE!' I bellowed. I scooped Scarlett and one of the four suitcases and ran out to the taxi. I strapped her into a seat, apologizing profusely to the driver and promising we'd be just a minute. Scarlett howled as I ran back to the house to collect the remaining three bags and two children.

Maddie had hold of Lily's hand, looking decidedly glum. Though we had agreed as a family that they would come with me, Maddie hadn't foreseen herself falling in love with a boy in her class and we had spent the previous night arguing that she wanted to stay home. In the end I had compromised by saying she could fly back in a week with Woody, who was going home for the birth of his first child. We were all over the moon for him and I would be glad to have a fellow father joining my ranks. But she was under strict rules about staying with Jane in the house without this boy. Fourteen was far too young in my opinion to be having a boyfriend but who was I to stop her? It's not like my love life was exactly normal.

I hadn't spoken to Sasha in over two weeks. I'd rung and text her, but got no response. I felt sick to my stomach about what had happened. I didn't know what to think. Had I scared her off? Had I crossed a boundary? I don't know how she felt but I certainly regretted it. I hadn't been ready for it and I had ruined a perfectly nice friendship. Not to mention the guilt I felt about Hannah. I did my best to forget it but I felt somewhat lost without Sasha's support.

We'd arrived at the airport with just moments to spare. It was always easier to manage my brood with three extra helpers. I handed Scarlett to Kyle and Lily took Wills hand as we raced through to the departure gate. It was only when we were all seated and the plane took off that I could take a breath. And then Lily noticed she'd left her blankie at home. It would be eight hours of crying before we could find a replacement.

'You ok?' Will asked me quietly. I smiled and nodded.

'Stressful morning.'

'Heard from Sasha yet?' I'd of course told them what had happened. They'd all offered their advice but nothing had helped.

'Nope. I don't get it. I guessed she wasn't that into me, but it couldn't have been that bad, I know it had been a while and all...' I had tried to joke that it had been my poor bedroom skills that had put her off but it must've been more than that.

'I guess all you can do is wait.'

'It sucks.'

'I know.' He patted my shoulder and we tried to laugh it off.

The moment we touched down in America, I turned my phone back on to check for messages. None. I just wanted to talk to her about my morning. And about Maddie. And how Scarlett had perfected asking for more juice. Or Lily's award at dancing. I wanted things to go back to how they were before. I had been tempted to ring the office but I didn't want to force her to talk to me.

We had a busy few weeks ahead. Lots of shows and radio interviews. The nanny that the record company had hired had taken the girls out shopping in the Big Apple with my credit card. I dreaded to think what they'd come back to the hotel with. I had a rare occasion where we'd finished work before the girls got back, so I went to our room and crashed out on the bed. As stressful and hectic as my life, everything, apart from Sasha, was going well. I was glad that I'd decided to rejoin the band. I loved being on stage where I could dive around and sing, totally carefree for an hour a night.

There was a light knock at the door. Since Scarlett was born I'd become a light sleeper. Only a few years ago I could easily have slept through the apocalypse. I jumped up, expecting it to be the girls, looking forward to seeing how their shopping trip had been. But I had not expected who was stood in the hallway.

'Sasha?' She looked tired, but beautiful as always.

'Hey Dan.' She beamed.

'Hey.' I felt horribly awkward. 'What are you...?'

'I've been sent out to supervise the radio tour. I just wanted to check you were ok before I went to my room.'

For a split second I thought she'd flown out here just for me. I wanted to throw my arms around her, but it felt somehow wrong. I let her into the room and shut the door.

'Where are the girls?'

'With the nanny. I was just catching an hours sleep.'

'Oh sorry. If you want me to leave-'

'God no. Stay. I'm happy to see you.' We stood face to face, a few feet apart, both not daring to catch each other's eyes. A few moments of silence passed.

'Dan I'm so sorry-'

'Look, about what happened-' We both said at once. We laughed. I signaled for her to go first.

'I hope I haven't upset you by not getting back to you, but to be honest I don't know why I didn't, I think I might've been embarrassed. And then I was told I had to come out here and the whole flight I've been panicking incase you hate me. I just felt like I've invaded your life and I hope you can forgive me for what I did.'

'You've done nothing wrong. I'm the one who should be saying sorry. I think I've put you in a really difficult position and I totally get it. And I want us to just go back to before. I really miss having you around and so do the girls, they keep asking when you're coming round again.'

'I miss you all too. Can we just forget it ever happened?'

'Absolutely. Sure. Yeah.' I didn't want to forget it had happened though. She clearly didn't want anything more than friendship but despite my guilt and regret, I still did. Especially now she was stood her in my room. If the last few years of my life had taught me anything, it was to take every chance that came your way. I had to tell her the truth. 'Sasha, look, I hope you don't mind me saying but-' There was another knock at the door before the girls came bursting in.

'Auntie Sasha!' Lily screamed and jumped up into Sasha's arms. Scarlett beamed up from the push chair at her, her arms up in the air, begging for a cuddle. Even Maddie managed a smile. That was the end of that conversation. And I didn't know when I'd get another opportunity to broach it again.