Raising Daniel

15

I had let the three of them stay in our bed that night, all cuddled up together. They had all cried late into the night. There was nothing I could do. They had to deal with this as the trio they had been for the year before I had come crashing onto the scene. I felt relief. I no longer had to bottle it all up and tread on eggshells. Now it was out there, I hoped we'd come a step closer to talking about what we did next.

I had stayed up watching telly, not tired enough to sleep and keeping an ear out for the girls upstairs. And I was glad I did, because at two am, Hannah came down and wordlessly sat on my lap with her arms around me, crying. Just as I thought I couldn't feel any more pain, it hit me again.

I didn't know what to say to comfort her. I couldn't tell her everything was going to be ok. Because it wouldn't. We were in our embrace for hours. I shushed her, rocked her gently, stroked her face, telling her how much I loved her. She kept saying she was sorry.

'This is not your fault. None of this is your fault.' I promised her.

'I should have gone to the doctors, I should have known I had this evil growing in my head.'

'You couldn't have known...even the doctors didn't know...' I told her.

'I think I knew.' She confessed. 'I had this feeling that something was wrong for a while. I didn't know what. But I felt like everything would go wrong, and now it has and I'm so sorry for dragging you into this.'

'You haven't dragged me in. I want to be here for you.'

'You can leave if you want, I don't mind.' She was getting herself more upset. I sat her up and stared her right in the face. The first time I'd properly looked at her for a week. I then realised I hadn't kissed her. She hadn't let me come close enough all week. I took her face gently in my hands and kissed her on the lips.

'I'm not going anywhere.' And I wasn't. I would be with her until...the end. I didn't want to miss a single second. I had already decided to leave the band. Nothing was coming between us anymore.

'I won't mind if you leave me. I don't want you to see me get sick anyway.'

'I love you no matter what. Happy, sad, well, sick. I'm going to be here, always.'

'Dan, I'm really scared.'

'I am too.' I wanted to be honest with her. I was terrified. I didn't know what to do or what to say or what to think. But I knew whatever I was feeling was nothing to what she was going through. I wished I could tell her everything would be ok, not to worry, not to be scared. But I couldn't. I felt useless. 'I know you don't want to, but if we terminate the baby, you could live. You could be fine.'

She sighed and nodded her head.

'I know. But I can't...I can't do it, Dan. The treatment might not even work, and then we lost the baby for nothing.'

'But we should try, at least. For the girls. For me?'

'I watched Mark die. Even when they told us they could cure him, he spent his last months too ill to even enjoy his time with us, and then he died anyway. I can't put Lily and Maddie through that again. I want to be here with them, not stuck in hospital, I want to spend my time with you.' She broke down into floods of tears again, hardly able to get her words out. I think this was worse than watching her ignore the situation.

'Hannah, please? I can't do this on my own...' begged and I cried. But I knew there was no changing her mind.

'I want you to look after this baby and my girls. I want you to tell them every single day how much you love them and now much they mean to you.'

'No....I can't be a Dad, I don't know what I'm doing...' I sobbed.

'You're already a Dad, and you'll be a great one to this baby too.'

'No...' It was her turn to comfort me. She placed her hand across my chin, holding my face and staring into my eyes.

'I'm so glad I met you. I've never loved anyone as much as I love you. I was looking forward to us growing old and miserable together. But you'll have to do it without me.'

She rested her head down on my chest, her hand over my heart, soothing the pain ripping through it. I held her for the rest of the night as she drifted into a restless sleep. Sometimes her breath caught in her chest, making her body shudder slightly. I kissed the top of her blond head and smelled her hair. Taking in every precious part of her I could. While I could.

I didn't want the girls to wake up to find Hannah gone, so reluctantly I carried her up to bed before the sun came up, and laid her down next to them. I sat in the comfy chair that was between the bed and and window, holding Hannah's hand and staring into the street, watching the world come alive. Waiting for another day. Wondering what it could bring.

As much as Hannah wanted to keep the girls close by, she had tests and meetings at the hospital. We sent them to school, warning the teachers of what was going on and should they need to, they could call Jane to pick them up. We had agreed to try the less aggressive treatment to buy a little more time, to get her through the pregnancy and into the baby's first year. At least we could be a family for a little while.