Raising Daniel

14

An entire week had passed without as a single mention of the 'C' word. Hannah seemed fine. She was still taking her painkillers and had spoken about returning to work soon. The bandage had gone from her head and all that remained was an inch long incision hidden in her hair. I don't know how she did it. It was like she had just accepted the situation and there was nothing to discuss. But there was. We had to talk about this, at some point. We had very big decisions to make. About the baby, about the girls, about what we were going to do.

She was adamant about not doing anything different. She seemed to forget she'd had brain surgery only weeks ago. I caught her starting dinner and I had insisted I cook.

'I can do it, Dan.' She smiled. I could hardly look at her. Every time I met her brown eyes I felt devastated all over again.

'Go and sit down, I've got this.' I tried to take the potato masher from her but she yanked it back.

'I can mash a few spuds.' She insisted.

'Let me.' I snatched it back again.

'Dan, leave me alone.' She had laughed. I found myself becoming annoyed with her. She had to let me help.

'You're sick.' I told her. 'And I want to help.'

'I'm not dead yet.' It had been the closest we'd come to taking about it. And she had said it so nonchalantly. That smile was still on her face. Why? How could she be ok with this? Couldn't she see how bad this was? The rage was building up inside me, at her total lack of emotion.

'Hannah, are we going to talk about this?' I demanded.

'Whats to talk about? I'm dying. But I'm not dead yet, so let me cook dinner, please.' She had pulled the masher from my hands, turned her back, and signalled the end of the conversation.

I didn't know how much more I could take.

An hour later, we sat around the table eating sausage casserole with Lily and Maddie. Little Lily was giggling her little head off as I pulled faces at her. I was trying my hardest to be normal around them. Maddie was sat with her headphones in her ears, pushing the peas around the plate. Hannah sat watching, her food untouched. I caught her eye and smiled. I think I caught her as the moment of realisation swept over her. I saw the smile that had been painted on her face, disappear, replaced by sheer and utter pain.

'Mummy?' Lily asked.

'I can't do this,' Hannah whispered. 'I can't do this.' I held her hand, she pulled away like I was on fire and I'd burned her. Maddie looked up, concern on her face as she watched her Mother break down in tears. Lily began to cry.

'Mum?'

She tried to cover her face to hide the tears from her children, but it was too late and that seemed to upset her even more. I got up and I wrapped my arms around her, never wanting to let go. Wanting to take this away from her. I would do anything to switch places.

'We can do this.' I whispered in her ear.

'Mummy, what's wrong?' Lily asked again. Hannah held out her arm to Lily, who joined the middle of our embrace, I held them so tightly. I was suppose to protect my family, my girls, from danger and sadness. But there was nothing I could do to stop us being torn apart. There were no surgeons in the world that could help. There was no magic cure. Hannah was going to die, no matter what we did. And it was time to tell the children.

'Mum? What's going on?'

She wiped her face and took a deep breath in. She held Maddie's hand and looked her right in the eyes. It was the only way to tell her.

'Sweetheart, I'm sick.'

'Is this about the other week? When you collapsed?' I could see the colour draining from her face. She must've realised what her Mum was about to say immediately. 'Are you going to die?' Her voice wobbled and cracked. Lily's sobs grew louder. Hannah nodded.

The pain in that moment was devastating. I would never get the sound of those precious children breaking down out of my head. Hannah was their world, all they had never known, and they were being faced with the hardest situation any young child could go through, for the second time in their short lives.