Help (One Direction)

33. 'I'm fucked up,'

Liam’s POV

Obviously I don’t know where she is taking me but I allow her because I trust her. I am still curious though.

She then stops before a door, what now? She gives me this knowing smile and I wonder what it means. Something is definitely up behind that door. “Ready?” She asks giddily. “What do I have to be ready for?” I can only laugh at her.

When she opens the door she lets me enter first and I begin to take in the picture before me. It’s me, and so is the rest of One Direction. This room is packed with all our faces, from the ceiling to the walls every space was filled with posters, making it look like its wallpaper but the walls have a really cute color, pink, blue, lavender, and green. The drawers have cute little stickers with our names and I didn’t even know they sell those. I should’ve paid more attention to marketing.

I haven’t been to a room like this, more or less one with my face plastered everywhere. I only see them on the internet, on Twitter, but I never really thought it was like this. They would decorate their room with all they’ve got, posters and more posters. I saw someone wrote that they decorate their rooms like this to help them sleep at night, to tell themselves that they will meet us one day. And the fact that we can’t meet each and every one of our fans, it’s unfair that they do so much for us that we can’t give it return, and for that it upsets me.

“You okay?” I remember I am not alone in this room and Kathryn looks at me, eyes with concern. “Yeah, it’s just that the fact that my- our fans do so much for us, we couldn’t pay them back, like meeting every single one of them.” If I could, I seriously would do it but I wouldn’t know when I will finish.

“Well, what I’m about to tell you isn’t as happy as you.” Should I tell her to go on?

“The owner of this room, the daughter of the lady who let me stay here, her name is Jade. She died just recently, I don’t know why though, but she’s was one of your biggest fans I can easily tell…” She admires the room with a smile, from the looks on her face, she didn’t meet this girl Jade but having a special connection with a room she doesn’t even own, she feels like she has met her.

Having a Directioner leave like at such an age –whatever it is- makes me think, are there any more girls like her who went away? Niall says he encounters fans who cut themselves and just that makes me upset. They shouldn’t end their lives with tears in their eyes, they shouldn’t self-harm, if I could tell every girl that, I would. It’s just so wrong on so many levels I cannot even begin to elaborate.

If the boys and I would be the reason why these girls would stop doing self-harm, well I wouldn’t even begin of anything to do but give them a tight hug and tell them they’re beautiful.

I wish I tell the boys these and write a song about this someday.

“She must be very special,” I only notice this now that we haven’t been talking in quite a long time now. “I know she is, I hope Anne doesn’t mind letting you in and sharing this to you.”

“Thank you for doing it.” I know I shouldn’t take my job for granted because it’s not only mine and the boys’ dreams we are living, it is also for every single one of the millions of fans.

---

We make our way to the balcony in Anne’s room. It’s a big and open space where you can see your neighbors from, also it is a refreshing spot if ever you just want to be calm and just think, and that’s what we did.

“How are you with the boys?” We grab two chairs to sit on while we were facing the lovely scenery, my hands on the edge and looking out.

“Quiet and lonely since you’ve been gone, I’m afraid.” I say with an upset face and she only replies with oh. “We miss you. A lot has changed when you left, no one was as happy as they were when you were there. You were with us for only a couple of weeks but that short of time has changed us in a way or two.”

“I’m not saying this because Zayn told me to,” I know she was about to react but I still continue. “I’m saying this for everyone including me and I for one want you back as bad as Zayn, Louis, Harry, and Niall do.” Kath doesn’t say a word, her eyes are only on her fingers fiddling. I don’t expect an answer from her, I’m just merely telling her what everyone’s been thinking.

For a few more seconds she still doesn’t reply to me and now I sort of feel bad. Did I say something wrong?

I gulp. Maybe she is mad, she is already standing from her seat and I feel my heart sink but then again I don’t know what she’s doing. She grips along the handrails and hoists herself up so she climbs on it and stands on the other side of the balcony, the scarier side.

“Do not do what I think you will be doing, get out from there.” You don’t know what you’re doing, I add mentally and stand to get her but she doesn’t move. “Get out of there, please.” I don’t want her to end like all those other fans we had, gone and loved at a young age.

You are not committing suicide here, in front of me, not now when everyone wants you back.

I love you and I don’t want to lose you because my life has been better the day I found you, there might be no chance for me to be with you now that you have two worthy lads for you but I will be here whenever she needs me. I don’t want her to leave now.

“Don’t die now,” I state and she turns to me with a straight face.

“Silly, I’m not gonna die,” She gives me a smile and I look at her confused. Is she crazy? “Then what are you doing? Get down from there,”

“I’m just trying to feel how people do it, you know? They’re brave.” She smiles as if what she is doing is no big deal. The situation is getting too much into her head. “It’s being a coward to do this than to face their problems, Kath.” And I command her once again.

“I’m fucked up,” I hear her say, her voice cracking and on the verge of tears as her feet are on the edge and she doesn’t want to come back in. I’m afraid if I myself lift her off of there, she might squirm and resist, and maybe she’ll fall and I will be the cause of it. “Don’t say that,”

“If I just didn’t care about Tina talking about that dreaded contest, I would’ve been the same person I was before.”

“But that’s the thing, there’s nothing more constant in the world but change. You might not think of us as something amazing but to us you are a miracle.”

“You’re only saying that,” She bluffs and I want to scream at her for being so unaware of her importance. “No I’m not Kath and you know it. You might not realize it but you are a very special person. Did you know that because of you, Louis has left the rut he has been in when he and Hannah parted ways?” I’m not sure if she knows Hannah or not but I’m telling her this.

“You’re one of the very few people whom we actually want to be with until the end of our careers because you keep us being down-to-earth teenagers like we should be, we don’t rush ourselves growing up and having to fit in with the people we’re with because you’re here.”

“Don’t tell me you want to leave like this now because if you do, everything will change the same way you changed everything when you arrived in our lives by means of Harry.” Harry, he must’ve done something to make her think not to do this. I know he is the first person she had trusted and if ever anyone would be with Kathryn, Harry would always be deep in her heart.

She gets off slowly from the railings to be back on the balcony safe and sound and runs towards me and I lean back from the impact. She wraps her arms around me, her head buried deep in my chest, liquid started to seep in to my shirt but I don’t resist. “Don’t leave us okay?” I feel her nod and I smile internally. I wish she would keep on to her promise as I would with mine on not leaving her side.

“I love you, don’t you ever forget it.”