Make Me Come

56th Ride

Author's Note: Mukhang wala na namang pasok mamaya. Isang araw lang ako nagkapasok ngayong linggo. Dyuskolord. Midterm exams na namin sa September. Ang agang sembreak naman nito.

Make Me Come song of the day: This Is My Now by Jordin Sparks

PS: Sundays will always be the update schedule.

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"Shekainah, you have to rest. Ilang araw ka ng hindi natutulog." Nilingon ko si mommy na nakatayo lang sliding door ng lanai.

I lost count already on how many times Mom had been telling me that. Magmula noong namatay si Papa sa restaurant noong araw na iyon, pakiramdam ko kasalanan ko na naman kung bakit namatay siya. If I hadn't asked him to meet me, hindi siguro mangyayari sa kanya iyon. The same thing goes to Mama. Kung hindi niya ako tinago at prinotektahan, malamang buhay pa siya ngayon.

"Mom, it's all coming back to me now." I can feel it. All of the demons of my past, they're coming back to me now.

"I hate to see you in pain baby. If there's someone to blame here, ako yun. This cycle of never ending bloody wars happened because of our family. Hindi mo kakailanganing maranasan ang lahat ng 'to kung hindi ko tinanggap ang posisyon sa triad." Mom started crying as she finish her story. "How I wish we just left the triad when we had the chance. Kung alam ko lang na ikaw ang mahihirapan, sana hindi na kami pa bumalik ng daddy mo."

Sana... What ifs... Mga bagay na hinihiling mong ginawa mo pero hindi mo nagawa o ginawa.

Kung hindi kaya bumalik si mommy at daddy sa triad, mararanasan ko kaya ang mapayapang buhay? Yung normal na pamumuhay na ginawa ko noon sa Manila noong hindi pa ako parte ng society.

Pero kahit na anong isip ko ng mga posibleng mangyari, hindi naman mangyayari ang mga iyon dahil kailangan naming mamuhay sa kasalukuyan. This is our life now. All we have to do is to live with it.

"Mom, don't apologize. Wala kang kasalanan. You're also a victim just like me. I'm sorry if I can't get used to the fact that people are battling with blood just to protect me or to have me. It feels like I'm not worth it. No, I was never worthy of the blood, tears and sweat."

"Shekainah, we are all fighting to live. We eradicate enemies for us to live longer because if we won't do it, they'll erase us to this world. Life is a survival of the fittest. It just so happened that the intensity of the competition on the triad is at its utmost level whereas we have to kill in order for us to live. It will never be enough to overpower the enemies. We have to terminate their existence in our lives."

The same thing those assassins did to Papa. They ended his life with two bullets. That's how powerful guns can be. It can end a life with two fatal shots.

"Mom, do you have any idea who did that to Papa?"

Isang linggo na ang nakakalipas mula noon pero ngayon lang ako nagkalakas ng loob na magtanong. Natatakot din ako sa pwede kong magawa sa mga taong pumatay kay Papa. I've never felt such hatred before. Yung galit na itutulak kang gumawa ng masama ng hindi ka man lang nakokonsensiya.

"Baby, wala kaming ideya ng daddy mo kung sino ang maaring nag-utos na ipapatay ang papa mo. Masyadong marami ang kalaban namin at nila para magturo kami. Your dad was even thinking that you might be the target that day. Nagkataong ang Papa mo lang ang naunang lumabas sa restaurant. Those bullets might be for you. We can never tell unless matapos ang imbestigasyon na sinasagawa ng grupo ng daddy mo."

I've thought about this for quite a while. Noong inaayos pa lamang namin ang labi ni papa, nakapagdesisyon na ako.

"Mommy, I'll train to be an assassin."