Can you Feel my heart?

Purified {Austin}

"Are you sure that you don't need anything?"

"Mom. I'm going to be fine."

For the fourth time that afternoon, she fluffed and repositioned my pillows.

"I just know that, I'm forgetting something."

Her voice was watery and hands jittery. I pulled her into my embrace.

"Mom. I'm going to be ok"

I whispered, reassuring her. Lynn wrapped herself around our huddle.

"Yeah! Good ole Aus is going to be hunky dory peachy keen with me!"

We all let out a chuckle, bittersweetness blanketing us.

"Well I'm only 2 hours away, you know I can be here."

I held her at arms length of me.

"Mom. Please. Please trust in me that I can do this. I can"

I placed my hand against her cheek. She tenderly touched the inside of my wrist, fingertips tracing over the raised pucker of the scar.

"I do trust you Austin."

She looked at me, then to Lynn.

"My babies. So grown now. Two college students."

I held them both, an urge to sob rising in my throat.

"I love you."

I said to them. They squeezed me back in reply. My mother pulled away, tears brimming in her eyes.

"Mama you promised me you wouldn't cry over me"

She quickly wiped the falling tears with the back of her hand.

"I know. I know. This is hard. Letting you go."

Lynn wrapped her arms around my waist, standing by my side.

"Aunt Kat, you know that I'll keep my promise."

Lynn said softly. My mom nodded, still wiping her tears. She sniffled, rustling tissues from her purse.

"Well, I really should get on the road. Traffic will be bad enough as it is."

I watched as she went to the door, lingering there. She met my gaze. I watched as she closed the door. I held Lynn, tightly. So tightly.

"Austin I love you. Im so glad that you're here."

She whispered, sadness weaving in her words. She withdrew from me, wiping her jewel eyes. She sat on the couch, it still plastic wrapped from the gallery. She let out a satirical chuckle.

"God this fucking apartment is so new that I feel like i should still have my price tags on too."

I sat down next to her.

"I know what you mean. But after it, I just wanted the freshest start I could have"

"Well is that why everything is white?"

I held her hand.

"You could say so."

And she did mean everything. White leather couches and fur rugs, white walls and counter tops and doors. Even white curtains over top of white window sills. Everything so simplistic. Purified. She had come before me, a week ahead of schedule. To decorate. Welcome me in. In the morning we would be facing a brave new front. I would spend most of my day in orientation, making up for lost ground. She promised to be readily available to me. But I assured her I didn't need it. Not this time.

"Should we order in? I imagine were both tediously tired from today."

I nodded in agreement. While she set about scrounging for a take out menu, I escaped into my bedroom. My room was copiously empty. I liked it that way. My bed retired against a wall, underneath the vaulted skylight. I sat on the edge of my bed, hands running over butter white silk sheets. I supposed these were the only things that I aggressively held onto. Something I couldn't depart. A desk inhabited one corner, my Mac still waiting to be installed perched atop it. My clothes had be closeted, bathroom assembled. Essentially it was a transplant of my room in Oregon. But much more sparse. Less permanent. Lynn's room was immediately diagonal to mine. She could peer on me from the perches of her bed.

"Austin?"

She called, cool demeanor spattered frantic.

"In my room."

She appeared in the door. She looked so tired, so much older than a 19 year old should. I had matured her. Stolen her teenage mannerisms. She came to be in front of my, extending her hand.

"Take 'em."

She dropped the 2 little pills into my hand. I downed them, the bitter medicinal flavor clinging to my mouth.

"The office called. Said you need to find time to email the HR team about hiring the acting manager."

I nodded.

"I'll get to it after tomorrow."

She smiled down at me, testing my waters for a reaction. I returned it halfway. She left me sitting there. I laid back, staring out into the dwindling twilight, the city lights casting out the stars. As I laid there, I thought to myself, what better could this situation amount to? The inner turmoil and constant thinking burned my up. So much sound but yet no noise. My mind was forever burning, no amount of pain or sex or drugs would extinguish those fucking flames. I helped my hands out front of me, examining my ruined skin. That had been my weakest day, the blackest to. But it made me twistedly proud. I had felt, for the briefest moment, something again. I dropped my hands back to my side, and I stared again at the sky. I had not hoped in a long while, I found it useless and demoralizing. But I knew that feeling, so deep in my heart and apparent on my flesh. I closed my eyes, and I let that noiseless sound play on.