Heaven's Child ≫ SPN

20.2

I immediately jumped back, getting tangled in his legs for a second but I freed myself and dragged myself across the floor away from him. I kept shaking my head, my eyes round and unblinking.

"K-K—I-I—" My mind was spinning, trying to wrap itself around what happened. "I-I didn't mean...t-to..."

Kevin was coughing roughly even while Dean helped him up and escorted him out of the room without looking at me. Sam picked up his gun and tucked it away before bending down to me and helping me get back on the bed.

I was still shaking my head. "I swear I...I had no idea, you have to tell him—"

"He knows."

"I was going to kill him. Sam, I was going to kill him." I put my face in my hands before I held out my wrists to him. "You should chain me up. Just do it—it's okay—"

"I'm not going to put chains on you again." Sam returned calmly, reaching over me to put a blanket around me. He then sat across from me on my bed, our knees only inches apart. "Let me see your hand," he sighed. It was throbbing and stinging like crazy.

I pleaded him with my eyes, my throat tightening up. "I'm too dangerous, you guys know that. You came in here, guns ready. You're obviously expecting me to try to feed on you so just please. Do it before that happens."

"No."

I let out a nervous breath. "Something's really wrong with me. I mean I didn't mean to hurt him, I was trying to protect him. I don't know how..." I shook my head, horror clear on my face. Sam met my eyes just for a second but it was enough for me to catch the look in his eyes.

He looked disturbed, eyes somber. Like watching this happen to me was bringing him horrible memories. And then I was horrible because I felt grateful that Sam had once experienced hallucinations. Because Sam could understand what I was going through.

He silently tied the gauze again before letting my hand go. "Thanks," I whispered.

"You don't have to do this to yourself." He nodded at my trembling hands. "You're too weak to get worked up like this. Kevin's okay, alright? And I'm sure he already forgave you. Cas has an eye on Crowley and everything is fine."

I hid my hands under the sheets, feeling shy. "That's not from the nerves," I mumbled. "This started a few hours ago."

"Eliza why won't you eat?" He shook his head, an annoyed expression on his face.

I debated in my head for a quick second whether or not I should just tell him the truth. "I can't. It's not what...I want."

"You want something else?" He repeated, looking shocked at how trivial it was. "Anything, just say."

"No. I don't want it."

I heard him let out a breath. "Oh." He was quiet, trying to find words to say. "Cas will find something."

"I don't think so," I whispered, feeling the tears threatening to blur my vision.

I didn't want to eat souls. I didn't. And even though I'd never admit it, but the truth was I needed them. The craving for them burned in me so deep with every little cell in my body. And it horrified me to think that I'd have to survive my entire life without ever getting a taste. It was awful, but it was the truth. I remembered what I said to the crocotta, how all he could think about was getting his next kill. Was that going to be me?

I looked at my trembling hands and I realized that yes, that was going to be me.

I failed to stop the first tear, and now my lips were quivering and the tears were coming one after the other. I wished with everything that Sam would just leave.