Let's All Make Believe - Oasis

Chapter 31

After that the hallucinations, especially voices intensified. It was like they were rebelling against being found out. I hid away in my room because I couldn't handle anything else on top on top of their noise. I stayed in bed and tried so hard to block them out. They couldn't be stopped though.

George sat by my side, stroking my forehead, trying to assure me. It didn't work though. She wouldn't go away. i just wanted to be all alone.

It was like I was suddenly on a bad trip that wouldn't end. I didn't do anything, I wouldn't see my babies, I refused the food Liam brought me, I didn't try to look after myself, I just existed.

I wished I could make it all stop. I wished I could get up and be normal. I quit trying because I didn't have the strength for anything else.

"Is this it then?" Liam asked after a long week of looking after the kids and trying to care for me. "You've given up."

I kept my whole body under the duvet and kept still as though I was asleep or vacant. I couldn't speak.

"I've had enough of this." He suddenly pulled the duvet away and onto the floor. "You've got Schizo whatever it was, so what?"

I went fetal.

I couldn't answer him. I couldn't do anything. I was stuck and he was losing patience.

"You've got two fucking kids who need you and miss you, where's the voice telling you about them or have you forgot wallowing in fucking self pity?"

"I can't do it, I can't even tell what's real or what's not. How can I be a mum like that?" I let out in a mutter.

I so wanted to hold them both and do everything for them but they didn't deserve someone so worthless. They deserved everything I couldn't give them and more. He won, they were there for him to take, I had to admit defeat.

"Cos you love them more than anyone, don't ya?"

I nodded my head against the sheet.

"Let me help look after ya."

I still didn't move or speak but he knew the first step. He went and ran me a bath. I didn't want to, it didn't feel right to be taking one but I went along with him. He helped me out of my pajamas and into the steaming water.

"You can go now." I told him, trying to protect my modesty from him, wrapping my arms around my knees tightly. "I don't want you to see me like this."

It didn't matter that he'd already seen me in every way possible. He didn't need to see me fat, out of shape from having his baby. He didn't need to see me disgusting from hiding away from the world in my bed. He didn't need to see me so broken. I didn't want him here, with me.

"Not a chance."

"You just want to see me naked." I accused spitefully. "I've got this."

"I've got no clue what's going on in your head. I can't leave you in here alone."

He had me there. There was an argument playing out (put my head under and drown, don't, grab him and hold him under the water) none of it mine. He hadn't put that much water in as though he'd thought of that or maybe it was just routine from bathing the kids.

"Fair point." I sighed.

I couldn't be bothered to argue that there was no danger in me taking a bath. I wondered if I'd be trusted to bath the kids on my own or even wash the pots.

He started pouring water on me and I just sat there while he took care of me. I thought it best if I just shut up and let him do it, it'd be over faster that way and I could go back to bed.