Let's All Make Believe - Oasis

Chapter 52

Peggy convinced me it was a good idea to get up and go to church. I didn't believe, I'd never really been so I really didn't get going now. I didn't think either me or the boys would get anything out of it.

I wondered what had given her the idea, a lot. I thought she was trying to put the fear of God in me cos I'm a sinner. She might have heard conversations between me and Liam. She might have known I'd seen Lydia in secret or read something on my phone. She might just have decided it was an excuse to get me out the house since I'd made a complete u turn from wanting to leave to avoiding going out.

If if wasn't for her garden we wouldn't have seen the summer son because I didn't want to leave her house at all. I thought since I was there, I should spend as much time as physically possible right there.

When the morning came I was up extra early and stressing because neither me or my boys had anything close to Sunday best to wear. We just didn't have that kind of clothing.

"Just wear what's comfortable and warm, it's cold in church." Peggy instructed, not making a big deal out of it.

"Are you sure?" I asked. "I don't want to show you up."

"You won't show me up." she insisted. "Don't be ridiculous. I'm happy you and the boys are gonna be there, that's all that matters."

At the church I felt more comfortable than I thought I was going to be. I was out of place and reluctant to participate but the boys were enjoying the attention.

While Peggy talked to different people she knew, I went shy. I pretended that the kids needed something or other as much as I could. They were my distraction. I couldn't've been there without all my treatment.

They all talked about Nathan. They ate him up. They all said how he looked like me. He didn't though, he took after his dad, that's what I saw. I didn't really see me in either of my boys and I hoped they hadn't inherited anything from me either.

She was so proud if her grandchildren. She wanted to show them off to everyone she knew. You could tell it wasn't the first time she'd told stories about them.

I heard questions about christening Nathan being asked, Peggy kept saying it was in the works while I pretended not to hear so I didn't have to acknowledge the situation. I hadn't thought about christening him one little bit. As far as I was concerned Ste only had the ceremony to unite the family. Jamie didn't need to know he's family a second time and Liam couldn't be the Goddad again, to his own child. It was my choice this time and I didn't want it done with him.

Once the service began I spent a long time wondering why Peggy brought me here. There were so many people sat listening, taking it all in.

All the people the kids just met. She wanted to show of that she had her grandkids back with her. That must've been it.

The architecture and the stained glass windows were impressive, if I was into art I might've been inspired. She wanted me to find a hobby. That could be my hobby. The kids could do it too. We could all paint. Painting would be fun. I wondered what Lydia would think to that although I wasn't supposed to be thinking about her.

If I was supposed to find God, I needed to keep looking. I'd never heard his voice, I'd never seen him, I'd never felt his presence. I found it funny that all these churchgoers got to hear God but if he talked to me now the hospital would section me if there was a bed. I didn't want to hear any more voices but I was supposed to be open to his.

Since I was there I decided to give praying a go. I tried to ignore not liking the idea that he could hear my thoughts, all of them. I couldn't go speaking it all out loud.