Let's All Make Believe - Oasis

Chapter 71

Lydia still didn't really want to talk to me when we got back home. I couldn't blame her, I'd made her go on a long round trip down south and back again (with toddlers and a dog) much quicker than expected.

She was getting along with Noel and Meg until I stepped in and took that away from her. She was doing everything right and I did everything wrong. I felt bad for everything that happened for almost everyone involved but I wasn't thinking about healing relationships. I didn't have time. In fact, I avoided talking to her too because I was feeling snappy and I didn't want to make things worse.

I sat down with the doctor. I realised it was the same one as last time. The only difference was Nathan was nine months older and it wasn't his father that had put me here.

"Didn't you just come out as a lesbian?" they said, confused by the situation, reminding me of that being national news.

"Bisexual, my girlfriend didn't get me here." I tried to joke. "I still deserve doctor - patient confidentiality, right?"

"The same person as last time?"

"Yeah." I lied. "Another mistake we've made."

"If you're going to keep doing this, you should get on birth control."

"Don't talk like I've come in here twice in a week. It's almost been a year and neither of us planned for it which is why it's an emergency." I emphasised the last word.

"Alright, I'm sorry."

"Can you please just give me the pill sooner rather than later? I can't have his baby, you know I can't get pregnant on my medication."

She gave me the prescription and I took it straight away, hoping it wasn't too late already. Being aware of the timing the pill needed made me wonder if I'd snapped at Meg because I knew I needed to deal with this as fast as possible. We were all warming up to each other a bit before that.

The doctor suggested I talk about it with my counselor. It wasn't quite an abortion but she felt I needed to discuss it. I couldn't tell anyone. I didn't want to admit I'd messed up again not in therapy, not to friends. Sinead could tell Lydia. Jamie or Kenzie wouldn't believe it. Peggy would be upset at what I was doing to her sons again. It couldn't go anywhere near the band. I felt alone in what I'd done.

Every time I thought about how I'd dropped my trousers for Noel I felt dirt cheap. He accused me of setting him up but it was him who set me up. Making sure I wasn't pregnant didn't make me forget about it but it did put my mind at ease.

...

After I was done at the doctors I decided I needed to get Lydia something. I stood looking at Nathan in his pram and asked him what says sorry I put myself and my exes before you when I just want to look to the future with you. He didn't have a way with words yet but even if he did, he probably wouldn't know what to suggest either.

Whatever it was, it needed to come with the sincerest of apologies. I wasn't used to that, for the last how many years it was mostly half apologies or letting the situation fizzle out unaddressed.

"What can I get her to make her feel special?" I asked drumming my fingers on the handle of the pram in hope that it'd help me to think.

I took him around the shops trying to spot something. I knew some gift wouldn't solve everything but it'd be a start so she was in a good mood to talk to me.

We came across one of those full on white artist jackets that proper artists wear with their easels and paint pallets. Lydia didn't have one, she just risked getting paint on her clothes which she didn't like doing. I really wanted her to know I knew she was a real artist and hoped she'd use it when she got back into making her own art.