So, my birthday is in 5 hours and it feels exactly the same as when I turned 13 (Minus attempting to die of course lol). Anyways though, it sucks ass quite a lot. A lot of you who read this book of course know i'm trans. I guess it just kinda sucks to know that in a couple hours, i'll be 16. The age I told myself i'd hold on till and that everything would get better. Everything has been going great for the past week, and I know overthinking into a bad week is a bad idea, but I just can't help it. Four years ago, I would lay awake at night and think of this very moment which will come in 5 hours. I'd think to myself, "you'll start T, you'll get emancipated, and you'll be ok.", but here I am. Jobless, Car-less, and having to wait another two years. Again. In a way i guess, it just feels like i've failed younger me. The same me that used to cry 24/7 but think to myself "Just hold on", ya know? Deep down inside, I kinda know future me is going to fail present me too. It just really fucking sucks (excuse me). 16. Sixteen. I'm turning fucking sixteen and I'm still holding onto a damn fairytale. A sixteen year old who believes in that shit. I keep holding onto the idea that things get better (which they most likely won't permanently), and its hurting more than helping at this point. I don't like to talk about this stuff a lot since I don't like to give off negative vibes when people are happy or content. But, idk. I know i'll probably wake up tomorrow and convince myself that two more years isn't as far as it seems anymore and that I just need to hold on 730 more days through hell and emotional roller coasters, but it feels like another set up for failure. I pass for the most part publicly, but I just don't when I look through anything but a mirror. I just can't believe i'll be a sixteen yr old. A 16 year old boy who has to struggle everyday to prove to himself he's worth seeing. I just don't know anymore. It feels like my time is just wasting away, and I can do literally nothing about it. Living, but really not because in the eyes of the law and my fucked up parents, I can't until i'm 18. I probably sound like an emo-whiney-teen, but it really does hurt a lot more than it sounds when your parents offer you everything but emotional support. The one thing you need the most as a child. Then, you have to look for it in one million other people. Literally everyone but your parents. My own therapists and help groups offered me more emotional support then they ever have. Anyways to make a not so fun entry short, Happy Birthday to me.
