Its been a while i guess. So hey lol. Anyways i should probably update you on how things have been going. At first during the period of time i disappeared from here, things weren't bad, they were pretty good actually. I had found hope, confidence, and in a way felt reassured my wait to be happy would finally pay off. As you're already thinking, yes. Again, i had allowed myself to be disappointed. After i started to realize that the whole Testosterone thing was another glimpse of false hope, i tried just blocking negative things out of my life for a while. I ended up having lots of anger episodes in the midst of doing that, not knowing i was numbing myself in the process. I didn't mind being numb until i started not being able to feel basic emotions i knew i should. I lost friends i should've been torn over, and felt nothing at all. I felt for the first time in a while, blank. People tell me i have become "cocky, self-centered, indecisive, emotional, careless, and a coward" to them and that all i ever do is talk about myself. I usually don't give an actual fuck, but it's been fucking me up a lot lately. I can't hold a conversation because i'm too busy trying to keep the topic off me or I retake a picture 1,000x and end up deleting it because I don't wanna come off cocky or conceited. Hell, i've even been told i'm playing the victim. I feel like shit for it, but i've been fighting with myself a lot over relapsing back to my old bullshit. I've tried suppressing it with a lot of things. Things like love, old hobbies, and over working. All of which haven't worked. I just don't know anymore.
I'm not a good person. I've told people this many times and I don't hide it, since in my eyes, honesty has more value. That will probably only intensify overtime as I fight my inner demons and myself too, but more people are realizing it now i guess. Honestly, if i were them, i'd give up on me too. Right now, i should be having a mental break down about how shitty life is, but all i can think about is how to sneak a shot without anyone noticing or if the pain in the shower is worth it again. I hate myself for it. I hate when i get like this. I end up feeling like shit in the morning about the fact i even had the thought of it because i know i shouldn't.
I don't know, I'm just gonna sleep again.
Goodnight and stay safe
