Tonight is one of those nights. Instead of restlessness, i'm full of fear. My mind plays numerous tricks on me using my senses to create fake sounds, fake illusions, and soon enough, touch. I know this is just my mind, so I usually try not to pay it too much attention.
I can't really help, but think to myself, maybe its time I start to take my physique a bit more seriously. I had worked out about 2 hours prior to this entry, but it only made me realize how out of shape I am. This, I can control. I may not get the results I'm aiming for if I try to reach my body's current max physique, but I'd be a hell of a lot more confident in holding my own.
I'm disappointed in myself for taking three entire months, maybe even more, to do absolutely nothing. I definitely want to begin going to the gym again, but I can't help but feel a little anxious about the thought of working out around other people right now. Especially the thought of them being people I recognize from school or work. The gym is more effective than home workouts/has more options, but hahaihaventgonetooneinliterallythreewholeyearsnowhaha! Again, this fear channels back to not being able to start medically transitioning.
Theres just a lot of things I'll never be able to/won't be able to do in life due to my current disconnect.
I'm probably just extremely desperate at this upoint, but I wonder if there's maybe a chance I could get my insurance to cover me without parental consent (excluding getting emancipated and ending up a high-school drop-out).
The only way i've thought of so far is going to live with my grandmother and being under her care. I wouldn't need her consent, considering the laws where she is allow me to legally make my own medical decisions at 16.
I think i'll continue waiting till another option arises.
