It took me some time to get it screwed through my head, but I now acknowledge that i'll never be enough.
No matter how I dress, workout, try to better myself as a person mentally, or physically,
the truth is I still won't be enough.
It's hard to swallow the fact that my entire existence can be withered away due to something as simple as a body part, but I won't deny it any longer.
It took a while but,
I get it.
If I were to walk into a room fully medically transitioned at the point of passing 100% as the person I always dreamt of being, with a literal duplicate of myself but born as a cis-male, i'd be nothing but a slight figure you'd see in your peripheral vision and he'd be your knight in shining armor.
We could be close friends,
then the moment I tell you i'm trans,
You're gone.
That or you change.
You change your tone, the things you used to say, the way you touch, and just about every other thing.
Suddenly, baggage that was never heavy to begin with before you were told, is too much to carry.
Even if you're not the one feeling its weight.
I know a part of me will never truly love myself fully, and i guess it just hit after so much denial that maybe no one will either.
Its funny that something to simple can make me feel so small.
Someone could be flirting with me and all I can think about is how fast they'd stop if only I told them.
No matter how many sappy crush poems I write in here, I know that i'm just not the kind of guy anyone would actually like.
All I can really do is try to be all I can for myself and those who have always been there for me right now and try to suppress this side of my dysphoria, but it's always in my mind whenever I feel any type of attraction to someone.
Nowadays, flirting hurts more than it makes me happy since I know exactly how it ends.
No matter how much they say "Anyone would be lucky to have you", I know its not true.
I think they genuinely mean it when they say it, and its a kind thought, but I think they focus more on what I can give a person rather than what I can't.
I don't want to talk about this entry.
Don't contact me unless you can relate to it.
This isn't a debate, convincing game, or pity party.
This is my raw mind and theres nothing to try to fix about it.
This is me.
Thank you for listening
