I don't really know how i'll be able to connect all the songs i've created so far to the album's theme, but it's coming along ok so far. Already, i've had to recap on my previous states of mind in order to go back to the most painful times in my life. That being said, some of the things I say in majority of my songs might sound familiar to the poems and entries you've read before. I think you guys who still read this will be able to connect and understand more of it than those who haven't read this, so I'd say thats an advantage lol. Whenever I'm in pain, the first person or place I go to, is here. Everything in here has been written during the time that each problem was occurring (unless i said otherwise). You all don't judge me, and thats probably why its so easy for me to tell you whatever is on my mind and how i'm truly feeling/why. With this project, i'm not guaranteed that. All of this is a risk and a chance. For you guys and everyone who supports my music, art, and poetry outside of wattpad, I want to do this right. I don't care about any "Top 100" song vibe, or "Radio" kind of songs. What I care about is the feelings that arise from each song. I probably seemed dead since I haven't been writing here as often as usual, but its because i'm saving as much emotions as I can for the project. I think i'm better when i'm hurting (if that makes any sense)
[about a couple hours later]
I'm really excited right now! I just got a text from my mom asking if I wanted to attend a hormone therapy consultation! I think its pretty obvious, but I said yes. I'm scared that i'm setting myself up for failure, but I can't help it. Its as if maybe I'm won't be paralyzed on this one way road forever. Maybe the wait won't be forever. Maybe I don't have to die so soon. Just the thought that I happiness and self love could maybe be closer than I thought, really excites me. I don't like crying, but i'm pretty close to it lol. I just really hope this isn't some plan to attempt to convince me to not go through with it. That, or a way to get my hopes up, say they're trying, then tell me that they'll never let me get it. Even if they realize its something I need. I can't let myself get too excited, that leaves room for vulnerability and I can only take so many hits right now. Definitely not one by something like this. The seminar is tonight and with a doctor. I can't help but wonder if there will be other trans guys there too. Maybe even some like me. I wonder if I'll make some friends too. Either way, I don't care. I just need someone to tell me that i'm not hanging on for nothing. Someone like a doctor. This is the best news I've heard. This may be the best news i've ever heard in my entire life. Maybe holding on for three years just might've been worth it. I'll update you on how that goes as soon as I can.
