I'm glad this time I listened to myself and didnt get too excited. I don't think that doctor consultation is going to happen anymore, and its sucks. It sucks that I really thought all of this shit would be over and i'd finally begin to fix myself, but it is what it is I guess. It's my fault for even believing one seminar would mean going on T. It just doesn't work like that and never has. It's going to be a painful last two years, but i've got to do that one my own. I don't know why the fuck I figured there'd be a shortcut. I miss taking the bus. Not the school bus, the city bus. Ever since I stopped taking it, It's like i'm around for more trouble and problems. My anger has been spiking again now that I have to be around my family more due to reducing my work hours. Sometimes I wonder what life would be like without all that. Honestly, I wouldn't mind living out of a car or really shitty apartment, working days and nights, if that meant I was on T and finally away from them. I don't care that I'd have to struggle. As long as I wouldnt have to struggle to be who I am, i'd be fine. I just hate feeling like this. Its like i'm constantly day dreaming of a better life. To some, that would be: a big house, great neighborhood, wealth, a beautiful lover, fancy cars, and etc. Personally, my better life is T. Without it, I genuinely don't see the need for me to live at all if i'll never find comfort, peace, or love within myself. I'd like a fancy car, but I think I might end up a bit too far behind in life to get one. Right now, i'm willing to just dish out whatever car $1,000 can get me. I want to take it, fill it up, grab whatever cash I have left, and leave this place.
Leave this entire mess of a life i've made here.
