(Again, another song i'm listening to as I write this and highly recommend you to as well)
Regarding my last post, I think I'm just going to give up for now. I'm pretty sure i have just about a zero chance till i'm older unless I were to become a sugar daddy or some shit like that lol. DO NOT PITY ME! When i write, the last thing I want is for anyone to give me their pity. Literally thats the fastest way to piss me off. This is fine and i'm willing to pause that chapter of my life for a couple more years till I feel i'm somewhat worth trying.
Apart from that, I wanna talk about something else. I feel like i've gotten a lot more vulnerable in the last two years compared to when I would barely even admit I had actual emotions. I don't usually let people get too close to the point where they'd actually be able to hurt me, but I feel like i'm letting too many people get near it. Theres only one person that knows almost about everything about me, and I'm okay with that. If that person were to hurt me, they could definitely, but I know they'd never with every bone in my body (Shoutout to you lol). I just don't like that i'm putting myself in a position where i'm too comfortable with everyone to the point where i'm not even being cautious about the fact they could give out on me any moment. If you think i'm talking about being trans, that's not it (yes i'm very private about this sorta, but I'm not going to act like I don't know people tell people who tell more people). I mean beyond that. I just feel like I need to reserve myself a bit and start preparing for the worse again. I definitely should be worrying about other things right now. Anything but my mental health's condition right now sounds about right lol. If I could work the full 32 hrs a week all summer, then during the school year work maybe 15-20 a week, i'd seriously have no problem with that. If you think about it, it'd kill three birds with one stone. I just want to give myself a cushion to fall back on when i'm finally able to actually do something about it. Like, "okay, I already have everything I need in order to rent my own apartment or small house" "If my insurance doesn't cover it, I can still have ____ surgery" and just about everything I need to start in order to catch up to everyone considering they'll have a way bigger head-start in life than me, the guy who will have to go through puberty once-a-fucking-gain for the second time (but this time enjoy it). (again, shoutout to my parents for not signing even though it would literally be of no inconvenience to them hahaseriouslyfuckyouwhenimgoneahah). Anyways, yeah. Same thing with my music. You can actually hear my voice which will also change when i'm older. So I guess there's a halt there too.
On the brightside, i'm
I tried really hard to think of a bright-side to end this with, but i literally can't find one so atleast I didn't kill myself LMAO AYEEEE <3
