Tonight, I ran and ended up on the same one way road.
So I sat.
All I can think about in this very moment is going back into old habits.
I want to go home, and cancel my feelings out.
I can care less for my skin's state now due to the realization years ago that I'd never be fit (no matter what) for the job I once wanted.
I'm angry because I'm can't move.
I hesitated for so long, that i'm now in a paralyzed position.
I could've done it before.
But I was scared.
Again, I let my fears get the best of me.
As I already knew, its only getting tougher.
I reach out for help, and again, the ones who can, turn their backs to me.
I also realize that even if I were to get their help, who would want to take me?
I'm incurable. Why would anyone mess up their reputation by taking a kid who has zero potential to grow from them.
It makes no sense.
I guess i trust you guys who still read this, so i'll just be completely honest. I can't really see a light anymore. At least not right now, and it just feels like the pain of it all is just getting worse the more i think. I just want to fucking give up on all this bs and not feel like this anymore, but I'm gonna fucking fight it. I keep losing. Every time I try and deal with my own shit, i start losing. I wish I just didn't have to exist to begin with. I hate to sound like the stereotypical "i WiSh i WaS nEvEr bOrnNn!1!" Kid, but it'd be pretty damn nice.
I just hate feeling like this and it fucking sucks. It feels like going through a withdrawal except you never had that thing you so badly need in the first place.
You look everywhere for it, but you can't get it.
Its there, but not for you.
So you scratch at your skin and try to cancel out the pain you feel within to try to make it make fucking sense, but it doesn't.
It doesn't make sense because it doesn't help.
It just distracts your mind for a second so it can focus on something other than your internal pain.
I want to relapse bad, but I still remember the pain of the mornings after. The burning in the shower, the stares from others, the questionable clothes in extremely hot weather, scabbing, and just the entire shame of it.
The moment isn't the worst part, the shame is.
I think saying that here really helped to remind me that thats not something I want again.
It's just embarrassing and not the best way to handle this.
Now that i've finished getting my feelings out, the pain has honestly lessened a bit and I feel mostly tired, so thanks again for listening/almost being here. It probably sounds weird, but its nice/ comforting to know I guess.
Goodnight, and have a good dream/stay safe tonight. I hope you all are okay and doing well.
I'm gonna sleep now, but I hope next time I have something positive to say to you all.
