I usually don't get affected by celebrity deaths, but knowing he died and how he was just trying to get better really hit. I remember when I first listened to his song "Look at me" and just liked the thrill and fun of it, you know? Then i listened to his other songs like "I Spoke to the Devil in Miami, He Said Everything Would Be Fine"and "Slipknot"and thats when i became a fan. Then i heard him talk about life and that made me connect. He didn't think he'd live to 18 either.
"When I turned 13, I blew out my candles, my wish was to be dead at the age of 18." was a post he made on twitter which made me relate to him as a person and not just artist.
If you didn't know, I used to be extremely suicidal and had attempted again for the last time on my 13th birthday. So hearing someone recount the same thought regardless of why, was a very heartening thing for some odd reason.
His love for music, his versatility, his family relationship, and so many things were similar.
After the abuse and rape allegations came out, then a couple interviews and videos where he said some pretty unnecessary/nasty things, I hardcore stopped supporting him in general. It doesn't really matter I guess, but at one point he made me feel like I could be happy one day, even if it takes a while. Ya know? Idk. I had only started letting myself like him as a person again about a couple months ago. Not because I didn't care about what he may have done, but because he was trying to be a better person.
I probably sound like a self-involving fan or someone who just wants to "so badly be involved in something", but i guess it just hurts a lot more that I never thought this would happen.
Kinda makes me wonder whats in the future. Especially since he was only 20.
I realize now that even with the allegations, It didn't change much. Everybody is fucked up and we all have done fucked up stuff in our pasts, but we can't change that. What we can change is now. He was trying to do that. No matter what, he was doing the same thing as so many other youths out there like myself. Just trying to be a better person regardless of what people would say about him. He was planning charity events for suicide prevention just hours before his death. It's just not fair.
Idfk, It just sucks a lot, man.
He was just 20 years old and only starting to mature as an artist and person. Yet, his past was the only thing so many people defined him by after he lost his life.
Regardless of what kind of "life he was living" in his past, he didn't deserve to die.
He died trying.
Even though I never got to meet or personally talk to him, I wish I could hug and just thank him for everything and playing through my speakers endless times after dark when i felt like everything was crashing down.
Rest Easy, Jahseh. 🖤
