I never knew how much I hated that question till today. I hate that it's even something I have to deal with.
"Does she know?"
I didn't realize that in order for someone attractive to have any sort of interest in me, it'd be most likely because they didn't know I was trans. It's one thing when I imply it, but another when someone else does. I hate that people imply that I don't deserve certain things too. I think they believe they're protecting me, but I see it in a different light. More of a "in your dreams" kind of way.
Honestly, i'm a sick fuck. I know this. We all know this. I'm disgusted by myself for reasons I have no control over, and thats just how things are right now. So yes, sorry if i'm not worried that someone is "playing" me. I'm just really tired of feeling repulsive. I could give a fuck less, I don't have enough of a heart to anymore. I'm fine with the way things are. No strings, no feelings, no extreme affection. I can't handle being exclusive and its not like they even could be. I understand that. I don't cross lines. I have no romantic feelings towards this person. I expect that is the same for them.
"Does she know" is usually said innocently, but it hurts. I personally don't feel the need to tell people that i'm trans unless I see that a sexual situation may at one point arise eventually, and I know some people probably disagree with that, but it's not exactly fun to have everyone strip away from you because of your biggest insecurity. I just want to be known as myself, not my past. That question makes me feel like I'm not enough or as if i'm a damaged good. I just feel content. For the first time in a while, i actually feel like i might be worth something and even handsome. More and more of you talk to me, and thats pretty nice (as well as those from my art/music). Hearing that i actually look good from anyone in general is a pretty nice feeling, especially when they mean it.
I'm having a hard time finding a therapist who will respond to me inorder to begin counseling and get my letter to start HRT, but i'm okay. I'm not severely upset, i'll keep on looking till one does.
