I left myself vulnerable again. For once more, I have disappointed myself, but no more than they have disappointed me. I should've known there isn't a such thing for me, there just isn't. No matter what, everything will always come back to the disgrace of a body mother nature cursed me with. If i'm going to get anywhere, I have to do it on my own. I have let myself become too dependent, too soft, and too kind for too long. I've always thought that being a better person would mean i'd have to contribute to society as best as I could and help make the world a bit easier to live in for others. I've done that, and here I am. An idiot who actually let people get close enough to the point of actual harm. What i need to do is prevent getting hurt the same way I try to with my dysphoria (even though thats obviously failing more often than not). I knew deep down that everyone is replaceable/my time would come soon enough, and I still went against it. I forgot for a second, but I still was a toy for some people. If you'd like to know how i'm feeling, I feel:
Dumb.
Very, very, dumb. I know all these things, yet I still ignored them. Society doesn't work like that. No matter what, the better person never truly wins if he's anything like me, unless on his own. I'm sick of handouts and being kind just for the hell of it.
Everyone lies. No one gives a fuck about you until you admit you legitimately want to die (i'm making a statement, not planning an attempt) and thats when you suddenly "matter". It's as if people see me as some sort of pillow or some shit, I swear. I can't have any emotions, but they can easily bleed theirs into me. I won't lie, before, that might've been something I loved. I loved how people could feel comfortable to open up to me no matter what level of friendship we were on, but now I realize it only made me weak and soft. Mostly, it made me think maybe I wasn't so different, but I was wrong. I always have been. I don't want to care about anyone anymore.
If you care for me, i'll do the same. As I said, I have loyalty. But the moment you stop (one day you will), I won't hesitate to do the same either. I won't allow myself to get hurt anymore. Not for anyone. Not for any reason.
In the end, I know i'll be alone. No matter what, I always will be. Everyone will be.
I just need to stop letting these false glimpses of "happiness", and illusions of the things I crave, distract me from this fact.
So that being said, I can't afford to waste time helping to fight everyone else's demons when I have my own.
Unless you've never disappointed me, never looked at me differently than I see myself, and never doubted your "love" for me before, you're on your fucking own. I won't stress myself over your problems or views on me any longer than I already have.
To those of you who still support me and have never once doubted me nor looked at me differently than I am, thank you. Thank you for never hurting me. For you, i'm forever grateful and you'll always have my loyalty as well as a shoulder to lean on. Thanks for reading this and allowing me to get this out of my mind since I never can by voice. I know it makes me vulnerable, but I still love you. You're one of the few things that keep me sane on nights like these.
Aside from my mental state/thoughts, I'll be taking a small break to another country for a bit soon. I'm not sure if it'll do me any good or make things worse yet, but I don't think I'm too worried about that. I just want to not be in such a familiarly dark mindset like I have been in the past few hours. I can't hit rock bottom again, it's just not something I can imagine surviving twice. I need to clear my head and if some foreign air might do the trick, i'm down.
