I wish that night never happened.
I ruined us too.
I was too fucking scared to say it, but
I love you.
I know you don't believe in it, and I know it'd kill you to hear, but i fucking love you.
From the night we first held hands, and even the night they broke apart.
I loved and still love you.
I was afraid to, but I did.
I wish i would've said it,
and i know they'll never be heard now,
But i still do.
Every aching bone of me does.
I miss it so much, all of it.
The way you'd walk,
The way you'd smile,
The warm rosiness in your cheeks every-time i'd touch you,
The way your eyes would light up when i came around,
Your voice telling me little things like how your day went,
Stories from when you were younger,
The late night calls with you fighting against sleep to just stay a while longer (especially when you'd lose),
My arms around you,
Everything.
Even when it got bad,
I loved you.
When the calls and stories got shorter,
The touches got colder,
And the smiles grew smaller,
I still did.
It hurt so fucking bad and i never would've let you know it,
but i love you.
Months went by without a word,
and I guess i just got numb to feeling anything.
I did anything and everything to make the thought stop.
I told myself i didn't, and that i don't, because i didn't want to believe it.
I didn't want to believe it because that'd mean I lost and ruined my only chance to show it.
All because i never told you.
I love you.
Seeing and talking to you again hurt like fucking hell.
Because i still couldn't stop smiling every time I looked at you,
still got those butterflies i did the first night,
And still could barely put my words together.
All i could manage to ask was how you were,
and it was killing me.
Here you were, the girl i used to fall asleep to every night on the phone; check up on daily; cared more about than myself; and loved.
Here you were, sitting in-front of me, and i felt like only a strange familiar face you once shared old happy memories with.
When all i wanted was nothing more in that moment than to hold you again and tell you how much i missed you.
Yet, all i could do was smile and watch you walk away.
Just like i did.
I wanted to say it,
But like a lump in my throat,
I couldn't get it out.
I wanted to tell you not to go,
To stay,
Just 5 more minutes.
Then 10...then 15... then till i'd fall asleep to your voice.
But i couldn't.
I couldn't then,
But i need to say it.
I love you.
I'm too late,
And maybe it was too early,
but i'm sorry.
It's the last thing you'd probably have wanted me to say, but I can't move forward without knowing you knew how i truly felt and still do.
I don't know how or if it would've changed anything, but i guess i figured i'd say it now since i've already lost what i was scared to. I genuinely hope you have a good life, with or more likely without me. You deserve it. Goodnight, stay safe, and have sweet dreams
