Life is just way too damn short.
I keep letting myself fall into these deep/long phases full of depression and anger and keep giving up on myself. I keep losing sight of what I want in life.
In a previous entry, I said
"If I want to pursue art and music, i will.
If I want to party and have a good time, i will.
If I want to express my admirations, I will.
If I want to just be myself and meet my needs and requirements, I will."
Which is what i've wanted to always do.
I never wanted to be a doctor, I never wanted to be so concerned with others' opinions of me, and I never wanted to become the person I told myself I had to be years ago and still slightly to this day.
A couple months after my darkest time, I told myself that if I were to die, I'd want to die knowing i at least tried to be happy or died a hero. It's been three years, and I've continued to live by that.
It shouldn't take tragedies to bring us back together, but here we are. I know i say a lot of things and often don't act on them or they're short lived, but one thing that hasn't stopped is my love for writing. Whether its writing music, poetry, or just putting my thoughts somewhere, i've never stopped that. I'm grateful for the job i have right now considering there are families who have no option but to live off minimum wage, but I can't imagine myself working in retail for the rest of my life like many I know on the job have (even though they enjoy it). It's just not something that makes me happy. I don't like how it makes me feel when people downplay me as a person, use their authority to make me feel less, or being profiled by people I've never even shared a joke with. It makes no sense for me to emotionally drain myself just to be able to financially support my emotional needs on my own.
Like I also hinted at in "HUMAN APOPTOSIS", We just end up killing more and more parts of ourselves just to make staying alive a bit easier. I wanna work, but enjoy it. I don't even want it to feel like work when i'm doing whatever makes me happy. Why? because i actually like it. I don't want to be "content". I'm working on who I want to be, but i know i could work a lot harder than I am. So much harder. That being said, I'm going to start dedicating my life to finding Leo. Even if I fail, I want to know I at least saw where it went.
—————————
That being said, i'd really like it if you guys hit me up with your dreams and goals in life. I don't care how "unrealistic" you feel they are. I want to just support and help you get there. Hopefully us both one day. I don't care if I haven't met or talked to you one on one before. Never give up on yourself, you deserve to be happy <3
