I genuinely don't think i'm going to make it to 18. I know how that sounds and all, but seriously. I struggle everyday not to fall into bad habits and to hold onto the thought of "one day" isn't a lie that I can keep up much longer for myself. I'm trying really damn hard to make things easier on me and help two more years not seem so far, but it is. It fucking really is. I waited three years to get to the point I am today, which is nowhere. Three. Whole. Years. In those three years, I accomplished nothing. And no, it didn't "go by fast". Every single fucking day felt like 371 hours and I remember almost every shitty minute. Not a day goes by that I don't wanna rip the skin off my body. I'm not saying i'm going to go back to old habits and try anything again, but i'm just saying idfk if I can keep doing this/controlling myself. I keep trying to help myself get out of this, but I always get blocked by specifically my family. It feels like no matter what I do, they're always gonna have a chain on me. Currently, I'm trying to seek therapy because I need that. I need someone to just tell me that i'm not being unrealistic, selfish, and a disgrace. I need someone who understands me and talks to me instead of blowing up in my face or laughing because i'm apparently a joke. If i need to work extra hours, walk there, i dont fucking care. I'll do it. But like everything else, I need a parent's signature.
I just feel like i'm running out of options at this point. I can't do shit without that signature. And they'd be damned before they let me get it. Right now, i'm working on my anger which seems to only be getting the most of me. So, I decided to buy a punching bag today after much thought. I figured it'd help me not resort to hurting myself or others (sorta a step in the right direction). I'll be picking it up tomorrow, so I guess all i do tonight is just hold on.
I'm sorry this was a bit too real, but life isn't all butterflies and rainbows, and I don't ever wanna give off the impression that there won't be bad days
< 3 hopefully on a better note, i'll update again
