Guns and Roses

THIRTY-THREE

♛Cameron Dawson♛

Emotion is the root to weakness.

At least that's what my father always taught me.

It was something I was taught from a young boy to hide and keep under wraps and although it is something nobody should have to do, I understand why my father taught me it anyway. In the line of business I was in, people would take any little bit of weakness they could find of yours, any crack in your heart, and use that against you.

There was only one person who I was truly open with, completely myself, and that was Carla. Opening up to her like I did was already a risk I shouldn't have taken however, I did so nonetheless because everyone needs someone to confide in. Someone to be vulnerable around.

And then there was my father and mother who occasionally saw a crack in my mask. But I always corrected it before anyone else could notice.

Only when I was older, however, did I truly understand what my father meant when he said that feeling was every man's downfall because he- the one man I thought was at least partially trustworthy- took my emotional support person and turned them into my weakness. My father had made me see that loving Carla was my downfall because had I not opened up to her and shown her my face without a mask, my father would never have seen her as a good target to not only warn Santino- but also me- about loyalty.

Emotion is the root to weakness, this I know now.

I remember after Carla had passed away, I was emotionless; blank. Not only had I lost my best friend but also all the respect and admiration I had towards my mother and father. My father had betrayed me, showed me that blood meant nothing to him and my mother hardly did anything to stop him.

After that I never let anyone in. I couldn't. It was too much of a risk and I wasn't willing to put myself on the line.

Which is exactly why I have no idea why I'm doing what I'm doing with Harley. I've never really being one to date. Sure I've had a meaningless fling here and there back in Colombia but actually committing to someone? No. And I've never being tempted to either. However, now that Harley knows how I feel about her and I know how she feels about me and we've both opened up, I can't help but want her. I want to be able to call her mine and kiss her whenever I like.

Fucking hell, her kisses are the most amazing thing I've ever had the pleasure of experiencing.

I've never felt so drawn to someone before. So drawn to how someone laughs, or smiles, or wears their hair or simply walks. I've never wanted to hold a girl at night in my arms and pepper kisses along her jaw so she can giggle.

But with Harley I do. I really, really do.

And now that I know what she's being through, what her father did to her and then her mother and brother, I cannot help but feel complete and utter adoration for her because how could she be so strong? Her body is covered in scars, reminding her of what she had to go through and she still manages to keep pushing anyway.

I wish I could meet her father. I would make sure to reconstruct his face. Not only did he physically hurt her, but now Harley has nctyophobia due to the bastard looking her in a basement and an anxiety disorder because of that. The motherfucker has completely screwed up her life.
And then her mother and brother leave her- how could they do that?

Despite this, Harley still manages to stand tall; to show the true meaning of perseverance and strength. How could I not adore that?

Then I tell her I'm a murderer... that my hands are stained with blood from so many people and she still finds a way to look at me the same, to make me feel like there's actually something in me worth looking at.