Ghosts (A Christian Yelich Story)

Chapter Forty-Six: In-N-Out

I did CrossFit and OrangeTheory one after the other and now I kinda wanna die. Ask me anything.

***

I stared at Christian incredulously. Who drops the L word after basically hate fucking a person? I didn't feel any love or passion in what just happened. Just emptiness and desperation. He didn't love me. I was just a nice idea. A cute, sorta famous girl who laughed at his jokes, fucked him the way he wanted to be fucked without him having to beg, and related to how hard life in the public eye could be. On paper? We were good. In real life? A guaranteed disaster.

"I have to go," I said softly. And maybe a little bit sadly. I swallowed my feelings, and I did have feelings – painful, potent ones – and stood up. He shut his eyes tightly when I slid him out of me.

"Annie," he whispered. "Let's just talk. I'm so sorry."

I hated the fact I could see his eyes glassing over because I was on the verge of tears, too. I looked away from him and made my way toward the bathroom. I shut and locked the door behind me. I just hoped he'd leave by the time I finished putting myself back together again.

I pulled some tissue from a dispenser and started to wipe the evidence from our indiscretion off my body, as some of his cum was slowly trailing down my inner thigh. I then washed my hands and face and then my hands again just to feel less dirty.

I looked at myself in the mirror and realized I had let the tears go. I knew I had to find Hannah and leave. This time, I hoped she'd be easy to find.

Christian was waiting for me outside the bathroom. He had put himself back together again, too.

"Are you running again?" he asked me with a pained expression. Tears were still fresh in his dark eyes.

"We don't fit, Christian." I tried to face him straight on, but I couldn't. I was too weak.

"Why are you crying? You don't have to cry when you can just be with me. Come on, Annie." His pleading tone broke my heart, so the only option was to run.

I didn't want to feel anymore. About anything. About anyone.

***

"What happened?" Hannah asked me as she started the drive. She grabbed tissue from the center console and handed it to me.

"Nothing. I'm fine." I sniffled and dabbed my eyes with the tissue.

"Yeah, you seem great, sweetie. Let's get you some food."

"I'm not hungry," I whispered.

"You need to eat. You have done nothing but pick at food like a tiny, adorable, malnourished rabbit for the past six weeks. You look tired and thin. I don't want to body shame you, but you gotta eat. You have to. Starting now." Her tone informed me she was putting her foot down. A few minutes later, she pulled into an In-N-Out drive-thru and ordered me a burger and what seemed like a lifetime supply of French fries.

"Happy New Year," the woman at the window greeted us as she handed us our food and drinks. I had completely forgotten it was New Year's Eve. 11:30 pm to be exact.

"I'm sorry I ruined what should always be a fun night."

Hannah laughed. "You didn't ruin anything. I didn't want to be there just as much as you didn't want to be there. I just want you to get all the jobs. All of them!"

I nodded – still disappointed in myself for not handling life like an adult.

"What happened, Annie? Why are you still crying?"

"Christian was there," I said plainly. "I still like him, I guess. I was doing well, but seeing him changed that."

"Wait, what? I didn't see him. And I thought I saw everyone."

"I tried to find you before anything went down, and I couldn't. Then he found me."

"Fuck. You didn't . . ."

I nodded. "Yeah, I did. We did. It was a mistake. I have big regrets. Like, really big regrets. So big."

"Anything else I should know about this rendezvous?"

"He told me he loved me."

At that point, we were at a red light, and Hannah just banged her head against the steering wheel a solid five times. "I'm never leaving you alone at parties ever again."

"I wish you would have come to that conclusion about two hours ago."

"I'm sorry, Annie."

"Don't be. I just need to grow up a little bit."

I'd get over him. I promised myself I would.