Ghosts (A Christian Yelich Story)

Chapter Fifty-One: Demons

I was sprawled on my couch with my head in Hannah's lap as we watched one-star horror movies after my blotched abortion appointment. The ridiculousness of these types of films always raised my spirits, but it wasn't working this afternoon.

"What changed your mind?" Hannah asked me out of the blue.

I looked up at her. "My mom called me. That's it. The idea of my mom being the best mom in the world led to my massive freak out and lifetime decision to be a mother."

"Even if your mom wouldn't have called, you would have bailed."

I sighed. "I know you're probably right."

"You really will be an amazing momma, you know," she said.

"Your confidence in me is inspirational, but extremely misplaced," I mumbled.

"Why do you think you'll be so bad at it?"

"Oh! I actually made a list of reasons I'll be a terrible mother to justify my abortion. Do you want me to read them to you?"

"Only if I get a chance to argue every point," Hannah countered.

"Sure, go ahead." I opened the notes app on my iPhone and started to read a note titled Bad Mom Qualities. "One: I am a selfish asshole."

Hannah laughed. "All people are selfish assholes. And, actually, I think you're kind and selfless."

"That's like, your opinion, man," I joked. "Two: No time. Hectic filming and travel schedule."

"Baby can come to work with you with the assistance of me and/or a nanny. Not to mention your tight-knit, doting family. You also have a lot of money to pay for help. This is more so a problem for people without money."

"Your flawless logic is gross and annoying sometimes. Three: I am a bad driver and could easily orphan my child."

"A risk for anyone with a child. Next."

"Four: I am afraid of infants; they're so helpless and small. What if I hurt my baby on accident?"

"Normal first-time mother fear. You'll know exactly what to do when that adorable, perfect baby is born."

"You're so optimistic. This baby could be ugly. We can't know. Five: What if my baby is possessed by a demon? I hate demons."

Hannah laughed. "Your fear of demons is irrational, and you need to stop watching movies about exorcisms."

"Fair point, I guess. Six: I'm a mess, and I don't want to mess her up too."

"Her?" Hannah asked.

"Yeah, I just know." I shrugged.

Hannah smiled. "Good. I'm rooting for a little girl. Anyway, we're all messes, Annie. The fact you're aware of it and can work around it is what's going to make you so good at motherhood. Seriously. You will be a super mom, and you're going to have it all, okay?"

I was starting to cry, but I had one more item to get through on my list. "Seven: Single motherhood is hard."

"Annie, you need to tell him."

"Can't you just be my baby daddy?" I asked through my tears.

Hannah laughed. "Unfortunately, no. But I think he might be up to the challenge. He loves you . . ."

"He thinks he loves me. Big difference."

"Tell him."

"I can't."

"He deserves to know."

"I don't want to ruin his life."

Hannah flicked my forehead. "You won't."

"I don't want him to want to help me."

"Why?"

"Because he's going to think that means we can be together, and we obviously can't be."

"Why can't you be?"

"I'd have to give up everything for that decision to work."

"Stop thinking so much. It's keeping you from being happy. You won't know how the dynamic will work until you give it a chance. I mean, if you give it a chance."

"I can't tell him, Hannah. It's better that he remains in the dark."

Hannah voiced her frustration through a deep sigh. "He's going to find out anyway. Are you ever going to realize how famous you are? You're on tabloid covers, Annie."

"He won't know it's his, right? He'll just think I'm a slut, which is a great thing, actually. He'll fall out of love with me or whatever."

"Tell him."

"How?"

"I honestly don't care if you text him at this point, but he needs to know."

"Why?"

"Because he is the father. And he loves you. I know he does."

"I'm protecting him from having any obligations outside of baseball. That's what he needs. Baseball makes him so happy. You should see what his face looks like when he talks about it."

"You're protecting yourself from getting hurt."

"Also correct."

"Annie, you have to tell him. It doesn't have to be today, but he needs to hear it from you. Please?"

I locked eyes with her again, and she wiped the tears from my face. "Okay, but not today," I compromised. Maybe ten years from now. Or something.

"Do you love him back?"

I didn't even have to think about my response; it was automatic. "So much," I breathed out before breaking down again. "And I miss him so much, and I barely even know him," I choked out through my sobs. "This is so stupid. I'm so stupid."

I had no idea what I was going to do in the long run, but, right now, in this hormonal, messy moment, I was just going to let myself have this emotional breakdown over a baseball player I fell in love with in two weeks and the baby I was going to have as a result of those insane, stupid feelings.

And Hannah was going to help me through it.

Like she always did.