Ghosts (A Christian Yelich Story)

Chapter One Hundred Three: Everything

This was a hard chapter to write.

***

"It's a little messed up that I didn't know you ten months ago and now I'm letting doctors cut open my insides to pull your baby out of me," Annie casually said as we moved to the operating room. I could tell she was trying to distract herself from what was happening around her.

"My baby, huh? I don't recall you saying no that night, babe. It was more like 'take me now, Christian pleeeeease'," I jokingly mocked her.

"I mean, who can say no to your ojos de caca?"

"Did you just say I have eyes of poop in Spanish?"

"I mean, you do, but they're really nice, and I love you."

I smiled at her. "I'm going to let you have this right now because they are going to cut open your insides and pull out our baby."

"Thank you," she muttered as we made it to our final destination.

They rolled Annie into the OR. They had me change into scrubs while Annie settled into her new surroundings. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down before I was able to join her. I was afraid I'd find some way to mess this up . . .

Annie seemed relieve to see me. "I don't want to do this," she said adamantly.

"I don't know if you have much of a choice now," I replied. The mask on my face prevented me from kissing her, so I held onto her hand instead. I hated seeing her with an IV and oxygen tube. It just reminded me of the shitty times we had while she was hospitalized in Los Angeles.

"All right, Annie, you shouldn't feel any pain during this procedure. You'll just feel a bit of pulling and pressure. Noises will seem distant and muffled. You're going to feel a bit out of it the whole time. Sometimes we can deliver in five minutes. Sometimes it takes thirty. You're going to do great regardless," Dr. Wagner explained.

Annie nodded and shut her eyes while the staff started the procedure. I rambled to her about my first couple of weeks in Milwaukee last year and how I busted my ass on the ice because it snowed in mid-April. I could have sworn she cracked a smile at the thought of me not being able to manage a little bit of ice; a tough Wisconsin girl like her would have never slipped.

Each minute felt like a day. The doctor or nurse would occasionally tell Annie how great and normal everything was, and I'd squeeze Annie's hand in response.

It wasn't long before I caught a glimpse of a very tiny, very wet baby and took in the sound of loud crying. I swear I could hear my own heart beating through my ears . . . I was a dad. I was fully responsible for another human's life as of 12:13 pm on August 8th, 2019. The realization was daunting, but exciting. I had no idea what I was doing.

I watched as the team cut the cord; they informed me ahead of time that I wouldn't be able to cut it due to standard operating procedure during C-sections, but it still hurt a bit to watch others take care of it.

While the doctor focused on Annie's care, the nurses took Eloise aside to dry her off and make sure everything was okay, taking extra precaution because she was early. My anxiety was through the roof.

"Annie's heart rate is dropping." Dr. Wagner's voice came in clear. "She needs a blood transfusion now. Let's get daddy and baby situated in Annie's room."

Everything was a blur. I know I was rushed out of the room, but I don't remember actually moving. It was like when you wake up after a heavy night of drinking, and you're unsure of what happened the night before. The feeling was exactly the same.

Ten excruciating, panicked minutes later, a new nurse, not one from the delivery team, brought Eloise into the room with me. Everything felt off, but seeing my daughter all cleaned up and tiny made my heart melt and break at the same time. Annie should have been able to share this moment with me. This was supposed to be a "together" thing. We deserved a happy "together" thing.

"Annie's okay, right?" I asked the nurse as she situated Eloise into the room. I wiped my teary eyes, hoping she wouldn't notice that I had been crying alone for the past ten minutes.

"I don't actually know, Mr. Yelich, as I wasn't on the delivery team, but I do know they're trying to get her heart rate back to the normal range. She lost more blood than normal." Her tone was soft and comforting.

"Annie can't hold the baby, but you can. Skin-to-skin contact is best, especially right now in this first hour." She was kind in her words. She handed me a small, soft blanket. "I figured it might be a little weird to just throw off your shirt in front of a stranger. You can use this to cover up."

I didn't realize removing my shirt was a thing I was supposed to do, but I guess the phrase skin-to-skin implied the action. I really should have read some books. 

I carefully removed my shirt as the nurse, whose name was Dorothy, brought Eloise to me for the first time. "I didn't think I'd be the one to hold her first . . . I'm a little nervous." Translation: I was fucking terrified. What if I broke her? She was so small. She just cleared six pounds.

Dorothy smiled at me. "It's very common after a C-section for the partner to the hold the baby first."

The tears hit again as soon as Eloise was in my arms, her soft skin touching mine. She was perfect with her teeny tiny hands scrunched up into little fists as she looked up at me with wide eyes as if to say, "Who the hell are you?" She was calm. No screaming, no crying. Just serenity. And maybe a little confusion. It was her first time seeing the world, after all.

"She's okay, right?" I whispered to Dorothy.

Dorothy smiled. "She's the best 35-weeker I've ever seen in my thirty years of nursing. I mean, look at that hair!" She did have an abundance of dark hair. "Must have gotten that from you. She passed the APGAR test with flying colors. Only missed a point."

I had no idea what the APGAR was, but I was sure it was a good thing she passed. "Annie told me this morning that she hoped Eloise would get my hair."

"Eloise is a very pretty name. Are you going to call her anything for short?"

I couldn't help but smile thinking of an "argument" Annie and I had concerning our daughter's nickname. "I like Lo, and Annie likes Elle, so we'll just have to see what happens." I was enamored by Eloise's bright eyes, and I couldn't help but move my index finger and boop her on the nose. My God, she was perfect. I held her even closer to me. I'd never valued something more in my life. I'd do anything for her. Anything.

"Tough decision, but maybe she'll let you know which one she prefers." Dorothy continued to watch us interact. "Do you have any questions? She's probably ready to eat, but we'll unfortunately have to use formula right now."

"Can I feed her?"

"Of course you can feed her. Who else is going to do it?" she teased. "I'll go get a bottle ready and try to get an update on Annie's condition for you. Please press the call button if you need anything, okay?"

"Thanks, Dorothy. I really appreciate this."

She gave me another smile before leaving me alone with Eloise . . . and my worries.

Eloise yawned, the cutest yawn that ever existed in the history of time and space, distracting me from my anxiety for a brief moment. "I'm tired too, Lo," I yawned with her. "We'll take a short nap after we get some food in that little tummy." I tickled her belly a little causing her mouth to form an adorable little o-shape.

She was my everything.