Secret Deception (Jonathan Black's Love Story)

Chapter 24: I'll Fight

I woke up alone one morning in mid September, when I sat up I found Jonathan curled up in the chair by the window just staring out into the early morning light.
"Jonny? What are you doing, my love?" I asked climbing out of bed.
I shivered a little in my dark purple silk nightgown.
"Just thinking." He mused back at me.
"Honey. Did you sleep at all?"
"Not really." He sighed.
I pulled on his arm a little until he let me curl into his lap. I rested my head on his shoulder as he wrapped his arms around my waist.
"Everytime I try to sleep I have these horrible nightmares and they're so real, Lexa. It's like I'm really there. Like I never got out." He said after a moment.
I nudged his shoulder with my forehead.
"Why didn't you wake me, baby?"
"I'm so ashamed of who this has made me. I've fought against it since I got out and at first it was easy. I was too focused on making sure we brought you home alive and it just got harder. I get anxious around groups of men. I get nervous if I feel like I'm being overpowered; even if I'm actually not."
"You have nothing to be ashamed of, Jonny. Baby, I'm your wife. I'll do whatever it takes to protect you. I need you to lean on me. That's what a marriage is. We're partners."
"I just feel like I'm supposed to be the man of the house. I'm supposed to protect you and the twins. I know how strong you are and it doesn't bother me at all like it might some other men. I've seen how men treat women and I don't want that for our boys. I want them to grow up respecting and valuing women and their strength; not being afraid of it. It's no harder to take a man's value away when they're attacked like that than it is a woman's."
"Jonathan. They didn't take your value. You're not a victim, baby, you're a survivor. Our boys will grow up respecting and valuing women because you'll show them. They'll look to you before they look to anyone else to see how you treat me or Kay or Dina and you'll show them what's right. I need you to try. Try to lean on me. Let me protect you. Tell me when you're afraid or anxious because not only do I know you need it but our boys need to see that it's okay. I know your father raised you to believe that your value is directly related to your strength and your lack of emotion but it's not. Baby, you're a thousand times stronger than he ever was. Our boys need to see that it's okay to feel."
"I know Lexa, but I'm terrified. All my life my feelings nearly got me killed. Then in prison I tried so hard to do what you said and hide all of my feelings but they found a crack to prey on."
"Your feelings brought us together. You've always let your guard down with me. Baby, most of those people that were in there with you were serious murderers and rapists. They trained themselves for their entire lives to sense fear and pain. There's damn near nothing you could have done to stay off their radars."
"Yeah, I know. I've done some research on the nights I haven't been able to sleep. Something that I read that bothered me was that a lot of times the victims families couldn't tell that the victim was a victim until they attempt or commit suicide. I've thought about it, Lexa, less since we've been married, and less still since our boys were born but I still feel it in the back of my mind. I think Cameron can tell. He'll always do or say something when I'm feeling at my lowest."
"He's your brother, Jonathan. He'd never look down on you for how you're feeling or what's happened to you. Of course we noticed. I knew something happened. I could hear it in your voice when we'd talk on the phone. I could see it in your eyes whenever I visited. Cameron told me he was worried about you and asked me to come with him when he visited you in prison to ask if you were okay. These are the things I need to know. I need you to let me help you. I want to be here for you."
"I know, baby. It took me so long to tell you but I'm surprised I told you at all. I can feel some of the weight on my shoulders has lifted since I did."
"That's what I'm here for. We don't have to have secrets from each other. I don't want you to ever feel like you have to suffer by yourself. That's how it gets you, Jonny. It isolates you."
"It wasn't just a secret from you. It was a secret from myself. If I admitted it. If I said it out loud it would make it a reality. I'm a victim. If I never said it out loud I could pretend it never happened. I tried to tell you while I was still in prison. I tried to tell Cameron but I couldn't. Maybe that's why you both could tell I wasn't myself."
"You are not a victim. We never say rape victim. It's rape survivor. You are a survivor."
"Lexa, I..."
"Mama. Mama. Dada. Mama." Joshy babbled over the baby monitor.
"I suppose we should probably go get our boys up."
He pressed his lips to my shoulder before I got up and pulled him to his feet. Together we walked down to the nursery.
"Whatcha doing Joshy?" I asked.
Joshy turned to the doorway where Jonny and I stood.
"Mama! Dada!" He exclaimed.
"There's my little man."
I walked over and picked him up while Jonny got Logan.
I sat Joshy down on the living room floor so I could make breakfast. Jonny sat on the couch watching the twins play.
"Lexa!" He called.
I rushed to the doorway to find Joshy and Logan crawling towards me.
"Oh my loves!"
Jonathan recorded our boys crawling around the living room while I played with them. I looked up at my husband and saw love and joy in his eyes. When he caught my stare he smiled at me.
He truly was more himself when he was around us. Of course he relaxed a fair amount with Cameron, Gunther, Jordan and Dina but with me it had always been different. It started after the whipping incident when we were younger, became more noticeable after his father died, and was undeniable once we began our relationship. Sure. It wasn't rainbows and unicorns all the time. We argued on occasion but I never feared him. I never wondered if he'd hurt me. We always made it through everything we'd been through over, honestly, 19 years but especially the 9 years we dated, were engaged, and have been married.
Penelope was busy running facial recognition on everyone who entered my office in the year I was in New York during Jonathan's trial. Nothing had come through yet. We had surveillance on all of the other possible victims.
"Lexa..."
I turned to look at my husband who looked at me with a thoughtful, pained expression.
"I need to ask you a favor..."