Sa Aking Mga Kamay

Kabanata 41

Kabanata 41: Pursige

I can't imagine Markus will talk to me with sarcasm, is he belittle me because I'm a single mom and I don't have the right to find my man? Damn him! Ano ngayon kung siya ang ama, bakit noong naging sila ni Tanya hinusgahan ko ba siya? I feel so pissed right now, I look at him with disgust but still Markus look at me with disgust too and I feel so annoyed even more. I hate his confidence and I hate his gut for hurting me.

"Yes! He is my boyfriend. Why, should I ask your permission first? Markus just tell me, do I have no right to be happy too?" salita ko na sa sobrang galit. Ang huling tanong ko dito ay halos sumugat sa puso ko. Hindi na ako nakapag-isip pa at naging padalos-dalos na ako ngunit pakiramdam ko ay hindi ko naman iyon pinagsisihan.

I always wait for him, even it is unfair and even I'm not so sure about us. If he is jealous as what Matthew says why his words towards me now is so hurtful. He literally hurt me with his words, like his telling me that I'm dumb and I'm not really thinking at all! Why? Having a boyfriend while you are a single mom is such an unthinkable manner? Why, I'm I not that lovable enough to consider someone would love me for who I am?

I saw Markus clenched his jaw after what I have said. I just confirmed to him that Matthew is my boyfriend eventhough it's a lie because I just can't pathom how he mocked me.

"You can stay and sleep at Josh room. Pinaayos ko na iyon at mas magandang magpahinga ka muna, pagod ka pa sa byahe mo. Isa pa pagod din ako sa trabaho." Salita ko na dito sa mas mahinahong tono.

Kita ko naman ang gulat sa mukha ni Markus na para bang natauhan ito. His hurt too, I saw how his eyes changes from angry to gloomy looks. Well I don't care though, he deserve it anyway. Madami na akong beses na nasaktan dahil sa kaniya, kahit ngayon lang ay maramdaman niya din kung papaano masaktan. Siguro ngayon palang ay naiisip niya ng bumalik kay Tanya at mas pabor na iyon sa akin.

"I'm sorry Virgie. I'm just-"

"I understand Markus, please we need to rest. Mag-usap na lang tayo bukas iyong mas mahinahon na tayong dalawa." Mabilis kong salita dito at hindi ko na siya pinatapos pa sa kaniyang sasabihin.

Tinalikuran ko na lamang ito st dumiretso na sa aking kwarto, hindi ko na siya nilingon pa dahil talagang nanggagalaiti pa ako sa galit. I took a shower and I really felt drain though. Pakiramdam ko ang pakikipag-usap ko kay Markus ay nakakaubos lang talaga ng lakas. I know I lied to him and it will bring more confusion to us but I think this is the safest way for me to push him away from me.

If he wants us back then why he is so mean to me? He almost accused me of having an affair, while he is the one who really did an affair with Tanya. Nagbabad na lamang ako sa aking bathtub at kinalma na lamang ang aking sarili. Napapailing pa din sa kasinungalingan kong nasabi dito. I should call Matthew after my bath so I can explain to him everything and ask him if he could do a favor for me. Damn, I just feel so lost right now.

Gabi na ako nakatulog dahil sa pag-uusap namin ni Matthew, hindi ko inasahang halos mandiri ito sa sinabi ko. He really hates my idea and he doesn't want to become an accomplice on my big fat lie. Kahit anong sabihin ko pa dito ay hindi ko talaga siya magawang makumbinsi. Niluko pa ako nito na kung ayaw ko kay Markus ay sabihin ko na lang ng diretsahan hindi iyong manggagamit pa ako ng iba, o kaya maghanap na lang daw ako ng ibang magpapanggap dahil siya ay hindi niya maaatim na tawagin man lang akong girlfriend nito.

Alas siete ng umaga na akong lumabas ng aking kwarto, halos kabado na naman ako. Biglang bumalik sa aking isipan ang mga nangyare kagabi. Nahihiya na akong tuluyan dahil iyong kasinungalingan ko ay hindi ko man lang magawang patutuhanan.