Sa Aking Mga Kamay

Kabanata 47

Kabanata 47: Daddy

"I'm sorry Markus." as I said while we are on our bed preparing to sleep.

Pagkatapos ng aming hapunan sa pamilya Fuentes ay naglagi pa kami mahigit isang oras doon. We chatted while drinking our tea and watching also the kids while playing. Everything went normal, yesterday was so chaos that I almost feel that I'm going to lose them all however we are completely here enjoying the moment and even supporting each other. In my entire life I can tell that this is the first time feeling and really living the idea of a how a complete family works. Simula ng lumaki ako hindi ko naranasan ang magkaroon ng ganitong pakiramdam na kontento ka at masaya habang kausap ang mga taong binibilang kang kapamilya. I feel overwhelmed and it really hits me to my core, I realized that my mom did really good job for making the twins know who their father is. Alam kung naging masama sa amin si Inay ngunit lahat ng iyon ay nangyare na at hindi na dapat pang binabalikan. Siguro ang takot na nararamdaman ko sa ideya ng pamilya ay parang truma na sa akin mula pagkabata. I grow up without any father or mother's love, I work for myself in able to live. Somehow seeing how family works together hits me with so much realization. Iba si Inay sa akin at hindi magiging katulad nito ang buhay na aking kahahantungan, siguro nga kahit papaano ay hindi ako malas dahil ngayon palang alam kung swerte na ako. I have my son, I have Markus who's always fight for me, I have the twins who are literally my siblings and so far having family Fuentes and family Lazano on my side somehow I think that knowing them from the starts are like a destiny for me and to be lucky enough to finally be happy living in this world.

"You're sorry for?" Markus asks with his low tone.

Kagat labi na akong napatingin sa gawi nito, nakatingin din ito sa akin na seryoso. Ramdam ko ang pagkabog ng aking puso at isang buntong hininga ay kinalma ko na ang aking sarili at isinaisip na ang aking sasabihin dito.

"Simula pagkabata hindi ko naranasan kung paano magkaroon ng pamilya. My Father left us before I was born and all I know about him is his an American. My mother raised me however my life is not that perfect as you can see, I work for myself so I can properly lived and I even left my mom because I was being hated by him. Noong una nagsumikap ako para kahit papaano ay mahalin naman ako ni Inay. Galit na siya sa akin simula pa o bago pa ako isilang dahil para sa kaniya ng dahil sa akin ay nasira ang buhay niya. I'm a worthless person, I don't deserve to be loved and I don't deserve to have you. I'm always afraid to mess up because the day that I was born I already messed someone's life that's why I'm afraid for your sake Markus. I'm afraid that my existence will bring bad luck to you and to your family." Salita ko na habang naluluha na din.

I almost choke on my own words, telling him the truth about me and voicing it out my own perspective somehow makes me feel so lightweight. Na para bang iyong pinakakatakutan ko sa aking sarili ay nailabas ko at maipagtapat ang tungkol kay Inay ay sobra ng halaga nito para sa akin. I'm opening up to Markus and I hope somehow he understand my weakness and troubles. I do love him but I'm just so afraid that in the end I will ruin him.

Naramdaman ko na lamang ang pagyakap nito sa akin, mahinang iyak na ang pinakawalan ko at napayakap na lang din akong balik dito. He kissed my forehead while brushing my back, somehow I feel relax though. Markus never fails me, everytime that I feel down or miserable he always stays by my side and always there for me no matter what. Right now I feel guilty for making him suffer because of my tantrums and doubted mind. For now I just want him to know more about myself and I hope he still accept me for who I am.

"Shh, please stop crying. You are the best daughter that I known, you never surrender in life and I'm so proud of you. Giving up never comes in you and you are really strong and I admire you more. You deserve all the love in this world baby and I want you to know that I'll always care for you and I'll protect you no matter what. I love you so much so please don't ever push me away again." as Markus said whispering with his low voice on my ear.