A Mother's Struggle

Chapter 2

I hope my children don't grow up to make the same mistakes that I did; I wish them better lives for the future.

I keep wondering, are my kids serene though? They're probably not, I mean look at us, look at where we live, what we eat for dinner, is that the story somebody would want to hear someday? I wouldn't even be proud to tell that story. To see someone living a happy life, you'd ask yourself, what did I do to deserve such a drab life?

Oh, I know that one. I messed up and I was stubborn.

"Mom, are you okay?" Naledi snaps me out of my deep thoughts.

I did not hear her come in.

"Yes my baby, why?" I fake a smile. The least I could do is act strong for them.

"Because you are so restless woman. What's wrong? I can see that you're not okay and listen..." Am I about to be advised by a ten-year-old here? What does she know?

"It's going to be okay. Lesedi please tell mom that it's going to be alright." She says.

My little baby is growing up so fast.

I must say, so far, I'm really proud of the woman she's becoming, hey. As long as she stays like this forever, I can't be grooming another me here. My actions aren't really the ones to be proud of.

"Mom, you are not okay and listen, it's okay to not be okay. What is not okay is when you fake to be okay. You do not need to be okay all the time. Shedding a few tears and breaking down is good sometimes. You let your feelings out rather than bottling everything inside and pretending to be alright. At the end of the day it eats you up bit my bit on the inside and you'll end up being depressed and we all don't want that for you. We love you mommy. Can you please tell us what's wrong." Lesedi says.

I cannot hold back the tears anymore. I feel like the walls that keep me strong collapse every night and work throughout the day, if that makes sense. Nights are when I overthink, when memories flood my brain. Good and bad memories. Perhaps these tears will wash away the pain?

My emotions are raw, there is rawness to how I feel, like the pain is still an open wound. The sobs are stifled, I am trying to hide the pain from my children but they see right through me. I have learnt that this pain, is and will always be a part of me.

Lesedi's words just really touched me and I'm a proud mom for this. For someone who was there that night, he is really handling this whole thing well. I am glad the whole thing did not affect him at all. Naledi wiped my tears, and I began to talk.

"It hurts me deep down that you guys have to be brought up under these terrible circumstances and it's all my fault. I'm the one to blame for everything. Look at how people are living out there, why couldn't God have mercy and give us a perfect life? I want you guys to be happy and that would make me happy but knowing that you sometimes go to bed hungry doesn't make me happy or a proud mother, not even close."

"Mom stop. Your first mistake was blaming yourself and your second mistake was actually looking at how other people are living and assuming that their lives are perfect. Or let alone, comparing your life to somebody else's life. You can't blame yourself, it's not your fault you fell for the wrong person. At least you have us from your messed up relationship with that jerk..."

"Hey, you should't hate your father." I interrupt him.

"Listen to me, well I do hate him and please don't change my feeling towards him. Right, so as I was saying, it's not your fault dad left you. About you comparing yourself to other people, it has to stop. Right this instance. First of all, you should learn that you are running your own race, you are only working to be a better person than you were yesterday and not better than somebody else. You don't know their background, how they worked to get there and you don't even know if they are actually happy. One thing for sure, nobody is perfect and so are you. Happiness doesn't have a price tag mom, it's free which means you should at least be happy because it won't cost you a penny. You have us, that's something to be happy about and we are growing up to be better all thanks to the greatest mother ever, you are trying your level best to make us happy, we don't care where we live or how, being with both of you by my side brings joy to my heart. Try being happy mom, it'll all fall into place soon. Nothing lasts forever after all, let's hope for the best." He says.