A Mother's Struggle

Chapter 25

I woke up and made breakfast for Lesedi and took it to his bedroom. He was already awake and looking out the window. His mind seems to be far away, and not in a good place you would wish to be but a dark place that everybody tries so hard to escape from.

"Lesedi." I make him aware that I am in the room.

"Hi mom."

"How did you sleep?" I ask him.

"I hardly did. This whole image couldn't get off my mind. What do I do mom?" He looks worried. He wants to escape from this dark hole. This dark hole of hatred and anger towards his father.

"Sit down and let's talk. I was thinking we could have a proper talk whereby you don't throw things around and you do not call people names." I tell him.

"Where is Naledi?" He asks.
I tell him that everyone is still asleep, it's Saturday morning, nobody ever wakes up early.

"Mom I have been having nightmares of that night since I was a kid. It happens mostly when I see a father taking care of his son and I think of my careless father that doesn't even know how I look like right now. These nightmares have been building up the anger in me towards him. The more I dream about him, the more I want to strangle him to death. I hate him for the pain he put us through. I hate hatred, it is not a nice feeling. Especially when it is combined with anger, I cannot stop thinking about it." He says. I am surprised he did not cry this time.

"Lesedi, in order for all of this to stop, you have to forgive your father."

"I have to what now?" He stands up, clearly surprised at what I just said.

"Mom, you cannot be serious. Did you see how he kicked us..."

"Lesedi listen. That was ten years ago, you should forgive him. My son, forgiveness is more for yourself than it is for the other person. In this case because he did not even apologize, this is for you. If you don't learn to forgive and forget about what happened, you will never heal from the trauma. I understand your pain but he is not worth all this hatred, he is not worth you breaking down everytime you see a happy son and a father, he is not worth you depriving yourself off happiness, he is not worth all of that.

"He is out there living his life and you are still angry. At the end of the day, the anger destroys you and not him. It destroys every little piece of you until you are left with nothing. We cannot always point fingers for the way we feel. You are too young to feel like this. Stop giving the anger you have towards your father have power over you, do not let him have power over you.

"You should be happy, you should have the mentality that you do not need him anyway. You have to learn to always look on the bright side of situations. Look at how this could be good for us, for you. If your father had not left us, I would not have found Chris. Do you understand, in every dark situation, always find the bright side. Even if it takes time, patience is a virtue. You have your sister and I, we will never neglect you. Stop letting Thabo bring you down, please. He is not worth all of this, he is not even worth us thinking about him. He has been gone for ten years, why do we still let him be a part of our lives? Please, let it go." I tell him.

I can see that he is against what I have just said but if he analyses everything properly, he will see that I am right.
Whatever happened, happened. I know I'm poor, I do not have anywhere to live, I will never find a job but if I keep hating on Thabo for that, I will always be held back, I will never be able to be strong enough to keep these kids happy.

I hope Lesedi notices that I am right. Thabo is a jerk but he is not a part of our lives anymore, we should not even talk about him anymore. We should not give him that power over us.