A Mother's Struggle

Chapter 46

I banged the table as the words escaped my mouth. Is it true? Am I still in love with him?

My breathing is loud and I regret what I just said. I am standing up and looking down at him because he's still sitting down. He isn't saying anything. Why the heck isn't he saying anything?

His silence is driving me insane.

I rush upstairs. I don't even know which room I am supposed to sleep in. This is too embarrassing. Silence is the worst reply ever, it's the worst type of rejection. You never know whether the person's thoughts are positive or negative, it drives me insane. I found the smallest bedroom in the house and closed myself in it. I turn the key, lie on the bed then let crazy thoughts flood my mind until I fall asleep.

...

I wake up and head downstairs where I find breakfast on the table; an omelette, sliced tomatoes, toasted bread, beans and bacon, with orange juice on the side.

I don't know why every time I see nice things in Thabo's life, my mind trails off to my shack. I am currently thinking about the everyday soft porridge we used to have, or bread with no butter nor jam on it, just with tea that had no milk. It makes me sick that his life is the precise opposite of what my life is.

Snap out of it Mmampho!

Thabo takes a sit on the opposite chair while drinking a glass of water. It's like he has something to say but is afraid of my scornful and sardonic comments. As for me, I am quiet because I am still mortified from confessing my love for him last night. In my defense, my tongue can have a mind of its own. Which is why I ran off when he kept quiet. Plus, I was vulnerable.

"So, how did you sleep?" He breaks the silence and I sigh.

Honestly, I am enjoying the food. Great way to impress me, Thabo. So does he remember that I love bacon or putting a lot for me was just a coincidence?

"Just because I came here for help, does not make us friends okay? I thought I should just clear that up for you." I say.

I do exactly what I had assumed he was afraid of, reply sardonically.

I am eating his food and I have the nerve to be this rude. Am I forgetting that he has the power to kick me out of his house? I just feel like being mean to him is the only way to torture him, like it will make him feel bad even more. And make me feel better.

"How many times must I apologize for you to forgive me?" He asks.

"How many times did I beg you to stay and you didn't let me, ten years ago." I ask.

"What? Are you hearing yourself? That was ten full years ago, let's move on please." He says and I chuckle.

"I have been poor for ten years, that is a constant reminder of those 'ten full years' you're talking about, the reminder of that 'past' Thabo. How do I move on again? You broke my heart." Okay that must have made sense, compared to the first reply I gave.

"Which is why I am apologizing Mmampho." He says.

"You cannot apologize pain away Thabo, you can't. You think you can just apologize and everything will be back to normal? That is not how things work. Not when you made my life miserable like that." I attempt to shout.

"Why do you keep blaming me for everything though?" He asks.

"Really? So it's not your fault that I had a baby when I was eighteen? So it's not your fault that I moved out of my parents' house? So it's not your fault that I roamed around the streets at night with a baby in the belly and one besides me, and oh, it's not your fault that I have no future due to the fact that I dropped out of school because of you, because I thought you loved me?" My tone is very harsh and assertive.