A Mother's Struggle

Chapter 14

I get home and my children are having breakfast. They slept all alone. I am such an irresponsible parent. Although I am very glad that they are safe.

"Hey guys, how did you sleep?" They both ignore me.

What did I do now? Oh, I upset Lesedi yesterday. I switch on the kettle so that I can bath. I smell nasty, I will talk to them and fix things afterwards.

Right after I am done, I sit next to them on the couch and they both stand up. Is it that bad?

"Guys!" I call on them as they go to the bedroom. I follow them, I will not give up on them that easily.

"What do you want Mmampho?" Asks Naledi.

"I am still your mother Naledi."

"A mother does not just disappear for the whole flipping night and  not even care to say where they are. What if someone had broken in and kidnapped us, do you even care about our safety? A mother does not act as irresponsible as you are acting. You should have at least told us where you were. I am ten years old and I was worried sick, I thought perhaps something happened to you when you were out drinking. Not that it justifies that why you were actually drinking in the first place, that I find disgusting as fu-, uhm fudge. Why? I thought you were not going to drink for a while. Why did you? Not forgetting that you upset my brother just before you left and you did not even care to apologize to him. Really? You think what you did was okay? You are not very selfless huh? Sorry for my tone but you had to hear this."

Naledi is ten years old but she does not think like a ten-year old at all. She was a bit insolent but she made sense. She is very smart and I am proud of her. She is right, what I did was very selfish and inconsiderate of me. Not forgetting irresponsible. I cannot find the right words but I really have to apologize and tell them what actually made me want to go and drink, and again it does not justify my drinking.

I ate a delicious breakfast meal and my kids were left home eating soft porridge with no sugar.

My children should come first in my life. I am proud of Naledi, she is going to be a way better parent than I am or will ever be. I can just see in how sensible she is. At ten, imagine when she is eighteen. I have been hoping and I am still hoping that she will not make the same mistakes I did in life, because that is the reason we are here in the first place and again for both of them I hope their future will be better than their childhood. I hope they do not re-live the way they grew up.

"So Mmampho, you are just going to keep quiet?" Naledi snaps me out of my thoughts.

I sigh before I can say what I need to say.
"First of all, I am sorry Lesedi for the way I spoke to you yesterday. It was not right of me to take out my stress on you..."

"So you had to be reminded that you need to apologize? Basically you do not see any wrong in what you did, you are apologizing because I said you should which means you do not mean it." Naledi interrupts me.

That was very obnoxious but I have to humble myself right now so I will let it slide.

"Naledi shut up and let your mother talk." How Lesedi just referred to me just literally broke my heart into pieces. I just decide to continue talking anyway.

"I mean it Naledi. I am also sorry for leaving you guys and not telling you my whereabouts. I had too much to drink and because no one knows where I live they could not bring me straight home so I slept at the bar man's house. I know that does not justify anything but I am very sorry for my reckless behaviour. I really mean it Naledi."

"Sure you do." She is really mad at me hey.

"I am not a perfect mother and I can never be one, looking at our living situation and the drama in our lives. I try so hard so that you guys do not go to bed hungry, I invest in your happiness as much as I can because as a mother, there is nothing I treasure than seeing my kids happy and satisfied. Both of y'all have seen that I really try but it seems like I have failed you guys as a mother. To the point whereby you call me by my actual name.

"I am also not a perfect human being. You really cannot expect perfection from a person as messed up as I am. What am I besides an irresponsible mother and a coward? Nothing, and I also have nobody or nothing for support. I will never stop disappointing you but at the same time I will never stop being there for you. I don't know if I am making sense. I am a mother, it is what I do.

"Me disappointing you does not mean I enjoy it or it was deliberate. I don't enjoy hurting you guys. If I could, I would change everything happening in our lives, I would subtract the drama I tend to put you guys through, I would be the best mother in the world. All this is my fault, our lives, your sadness and..."

"Mommy stop." Her tone is calm now. "Who fed you all this nonsense of you failing us and being a bad mother?"

"Helen made me realize all of this." I reply.

"What? The dumbest thing you have ever done in your life is listen to people's opinions and let them get to you. Why do you let society live your life for you? Why do you even care about what people say? Honestly, why does what she said matter? As your children we see your efforts, she doesn't know what you went through to keep us happy so why does she think you need her opinion?

"How many times should I tell you that you are running your own race and nobody should tell you whether to run slow or fast, like a woman or a man, with make-up on or natural, with a weave or braids, with jeans or a dress. It doesn't have to matter at all. Your life, your decisions. You do make mistakes, she is not perfect either but that does not make you a bad mother.

"You have absolutely no right to call yourself "nothing". Just because society treats you like nothing, does not mean you are nothing. Just shove their opinions where the sun never shines. Extreme but I am right.

"I forgive you for yesterday, mistakes will always happen but not over and over. Just never do that again and never let Helen get to you. Helen is a hater and that is basically the only thing she is good at. Seeing somebody fail in life makes her feel good about herself and that is one reason she will never make it in life. She will never have peace in her life. She is only levitated by people's downfall and that is a bad habit.

"You should know that not everyone will like you and you should not expect everyone to. It is your job not to care. She is acting like she gets paid  to not like you. I am so mad that I want to curse her right now, I will not though. She is not worth it. Life will slap her in the face. As for you, why are you letting her get to you? She wasted her energy to make you feel bad about yourself? She is very dumb.

"I need to get paid for the speech I just made because wow! I nailed it. I hope you heard me woman. I am sorry for calling you with your name mommy. We love you okay?" I smile at both of them and give them both hugs and kisses on their foreheads.

I hear my phone ringing in the kitchen and Naledi runs to pick it up for me. Who could it be though?

"Okay I will give mommy the phone." I hear Naledi saying from the other room.

This number is not saved.

"Hello." I say very slowly.

"Hi Mmampho, it is Chris. I am just checking up on you."

I blush and respond, "I am well and you?"

"I am good as well," He says.

"So, I will probably call you later okay?"

"Sure thing." I just cannot stop smiling.

"Oooooooh! Who was that?" Naledi asks.

"Just a friend I met at the bar last night."

"Friend huh?" She gives me strange looks that make me blush even more.

"Yes friend Naledi. What are you thinking?"

"Is that where you slept last night?"Lesedi asks.

"Guys stop it. No."

"Is he hot?"

These children. Oh my word!

"Mommy's got a boyfriieeeeeend."Naledi says.

"I am off to cook." I stand up to ignore this conversation. If I had to answer Naledi, yes Chris is very droolworthy. He is very sexy and I am attracted to the way he acts. Attracted? What? I cannot judge that as yet.