A Mother's Struggle

Chapter 48

He does not utter a word and again, the silence starts to drive me crazy. It makes me anxious. Instead, he lets out a huge sigh.

"I know this is probably too soon for you but I am just putting it out there." The words leave my mouth in a very fast pace.

"Too soon for both of us," he says, he is right.

"Okay, you still love me. Now what?" He adds.

Okay, I did not expect him to ask that. It's his tone that gave me the courage to continue the conversation. It is calm, and relaxed.

"Okay, I did not expect this conversation to go this way but how about we start over, with friendship this time though. Time will tell." I think this is the smartest thing I have said all week.
He nods in agreement. His nod is slow and cautious, like he is doubting the whole thing. It's just friendship, what's there to doubt?

You told the guy you loved him before he even broke up with his fiancé, my conscience sasses me and I roll my eyes.
I said, my tongue seems to have a mind of its own and I let my emotions get the best of me okay!

"One question though," he says.

"Yes."

"Why did you call me first when you needed a friend?" He asks.

"What do you mean when I 'needed a friend'?" I look at him.

"When you eavesdropped on Chris and Angela's conversation and heard whatever you heard that hurt your feelings?"

Why did I text him again? Oh, because I knew that he is a good shoulder to cry on, I knew that he is going to be a good listener, he has always been. Although, when I got here, I never told him what happened. I really just needed to get out of that house. Honestly, I have no idea what was my real reason behind texting him on that day.

"Because besides Chris, you are the only person I know that lives around." I say, I think that is the real reason. It has to be.

"You know, you could have just locked yourself in your room."

"I tried that, he would not stop knocking. I have known him for a few months, your best friend is persuasive as food." I tell him.
He laughs really hard.

"Food?" He asks.

"Yea, I avoid cursing so I replace the vulgar words with words that start with the same letter." I tell him and he continues laughing, in fact we are both laughing.
Tears are even pricking his eyelids, and his right hand lays on his stomach. I guess it got sore from the laughing. I do not find this funny at all, I am just laughing because his laugh is contagious.

"How is this funny?"

"Since when do you avoid cursing?" He asks me, still laughing.

"Since I had two babies in the house and I do not want them to curse!" I nudge him with my elbow.

"Wow, you're a good mom. What else changed about you since we broke up?" He asks me.

"Please stop laughing." I try to pull a serious face.

"Ok...okay I'm done." He says and I pout, that's when he starts again.

"Are you serious?"

"Okay, I am stopping for real now." He stops.

"Nothing really changed, except the fact that I started drinking more." I tell him.

"Really? You despised alcohol when we were together, you drank occasionally."

"I know, I know. I guess after you left me, I used alcohol as an escape panel. It was the only way I would stop overthinking and all. I was not emotionally okay."I tell him.

Is it just me or it is getting quite hot in here?

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing. It's okay. It's all over." I tell him.

"Never have I thought in a million years, that I would meet you again." I chuckle.

"Me too, but I hoped I would, at least to apologize to you guys."

"Really?" I ask.

"Yes."

"Aww."
Here goes my gullible self, believing this smooth talker.

"I really didn't think you were poor though."

I clear my throat and say, "uh, can we stop talking about all of that."

"Okay." He does not argue and I am thankful.

"I'm going to bed now." He says and stands up from 'my' bed.

"Good night."

"Good night."

As soon as he leaves the room, I lie down and face the ceiling fan.

I am blushing, why am I blushing?
It's fifteen year-old me all over again, infatuated and thoughts filled by one person.
That was me. It was as if my brain had been re-programmed. It was as if my previous interests had been deleted and replaced with the image of his face and the sound of his voice. I would lie on the bed, with my diary in my hands, stare at the ceiling like I am now, smiling at my thoughts about him. The diary had the name 'Thabo' all over it.

Thabo kissed me today, heartwarming. Can we turn back the time and do it all over again, was what I wrote after our first kiss. I remember it like it was yesterday. The first kiss, first intercourse, first date, first love, it was all with him. Those were my best teenage days, he got me smiling every single day. He was what I called 'My heart in human form.'

-Thabo picked me up from school today, the looks on my friends' faces. Their jaws had dropped.

-Thabo and I are going on a date, can't wait!

-My mom got mad at me for coming home late. I am just glad Thabo gave me the best birthday gift.

-I am dating a very cute guy, his eyes melt my heart. I cannot wait to see him tomorrow.

I remember all these because I used to read through them when I was in the shack. Those diary entries reminded me of the happy Mmampho that I thought would never, ever return. She is here, finally and again, Thabo is the reason behind my smile.

That diary was my everything, I locked it in my drawer. Nobody was allowed to go through that drawer, even Nina and Salome. The key to the diary was always in my pocket. Sometimes, I would leave it under the mattress, and even today, nobody has ever read it. Unfortunately, it burnt with the shack and I am only remembering it now.

Wow!

I bet Nina and Salome got tired of hearing about him, and I do not blame them at all. My brain would not give me anything else to think about, just him. There wasn't a day that I was awake and Thabo was not in my thoughts.

First love? Probably.
I fantasized about him even in class, that is how my marks would drop. Instead of newtons law, I heard 'Thabo, Thabo, Thabo, Thabo."

Even though I never got my happy ending with Thabo, I had two offsprings from him and I was thankful for that all the time.
Maybe our reunion means that...

we were meant to be together.

I don't really know how this fate thing works but I am guessing this is it. Thabo and I were meant to be.

Why am I busy looking at my life from seventeen years ago when I should be sleeping anyway?