A Mother's Struggle

Chapter 60

Jessica? Really? I cooked for crying out loud, trying to make up for the fact that I made things awkward for him earlier, then he has the nerve to call me Jessica during our attempt to be physically intimate. That is the worst time to infuriate me like that.

Does this mean that Lesedi was right? Am I just a woman that Thabo used to fall back on? "Consolation" was the word he used. So basically, Thabo is still in love with Jessica but he used me to fill the void. He was never in love with me, he used me to mend his broken heart. What he felt for Jessica must have been stronger than I thought. I could never replace her.

I groan and ball my fists. This really infuriated me and I am going to sleep immediately after I wash my face. I know that is pretty much useless because I will be crying myself to sleep tonight.

If somebody would ask what is that one thing I am good at, crying would have to be my response. Darn! I cry a lot. I cannot really help it, that is how I deal with such issues. Actually from what I have noticed, I deal with every emotion by crying. Even when I am expressing happiness or excitement, I cry too. Like the time when Chris took me out for my birthday. Again, why do my thoughts randomly trail off to Chris? We are over and I should never give him a thought. Just like Thabo, he is also a jerk. Men are all the same. Pricks!

I make my way to his room and I find him fast asleep. Really? Just a hit on his face with a pillow got him to sleep. He must have drank a lot.

I walk towards him then try to wake him up, nothing. How much did this person drink?

I head downstairs to get myself water. On the lounge table I spot a half-full bottle of whiskey.
Whiskey? That is too strong. That must be the reason why he is so intoxicated.

I hope that he did not drink the other half all at once and that he has always had it in a cupboard somewhere. If he did, that is way too much and pretty much irresponsible of him.

Was it our talk in the morning that made him drink this much? Does he miss Jessica? Was he using me? Does it hurt me that he mentioned Jessica?

Ugh! I hate overthinking.

Maybe I should also take a gulp of Thabo's whiskey.

I take a glass from the kitchen then pour a fair amount of whiskey.

1...2...3...Go
I take the glass to my mouth but as soon as the strong smell of whiskey hits my nostrils, I place the glass on the table. I cannot get myself to drink this.

I am done running to alcohol for my problems. Hear that universe? I am done downing my problems. I guess it's time I listen to Mavis' words. They do not sound dumb as they did when she first said them, she actually made sense. And I am only realizing now.

Or maybe I should just drink, just for today?
Maybe? No, yes? My conscience won't let me.

What else am I supposed to do? Thabo hurt me all over again. At least this time he did not kick me out for another woman.

What the freaking what?!
Indirectly looking at it, I have been Sarah in this situation.

Right so I found him with another woman and I was the reason they broke up, in a way.
That is exactly what Sarah did. Oh my Gosh! I am just like Sarah and I did not notice what I did. I hurt Jessica, just like Sarah hurt me.
She was so innocent and did not deserve what I did to her. Is that guilt I feel? It's such an uncomfortable feeling.

Thoughts are just a fiction of the mind, so how is it that they can carry such a huge amount of guilt? I wonder how she has been coping this whole time.

I make my way to the kitchen and pour out the whiskey into the sink, then I rinse off the glass.
Or maybe I should drink the Prosecco?

It's still alcohol Mmampho, my conscience says.

Ugh, when did my conscience get so strong? I used to be able to brush it off.

Mmampho, lying to them will not help you get out of the situation but it will get you into more trouble, I brushed it off.

Mmampho, leaving your children alone is a very irresponsible act and for a mother of two, you are acting like flipping teenager, I brushed it off too.

My conscience never really had a big role in my life. I was able to brush off anything that it said. I knew it made sense but I made sure not to care much about it. I mean, where was it when Thabo promised me all the goodies of life then dropped me after I had given up everything for him? Did I brush it off too?
And now my conscience told me not to drink and I did not drink,  either it got stronger or I got weak.

Nope! We both got stronger. This is exactly what I need to run my life, this is what I need to keep me on the right track.

That stupid jerk! This gave me a feeling of Déjà Vu.

I am watching history repeat itself. I just do not learn, do I? So this is what I get for not listening to Lesedi's advice. He was there when I was at my lowest, gave me good advice and I was selfish. I did not to care about how he felt about my relationship with his father.
I was right though, he was being overly dramatic but I guess I was not fair on him too.
My mother warned me, Lesedi did too and I was so ignorant.

My head is even getting painful, I think it's from all this thinking and thinking and thinking. Without the help of alcohol.
Surely, I am not used to this.

I am not even reaching a conclusion as to what I should do. My mind keeps trailing off to Jessica, to Sarah, to Chris, to Lesedi, to Thabo then to me. This is overwhelming.

I am toxic, I either hurt people around me or people around me keep letting me down. I nurse feelings of people that hurt me and become ignorant to the feelings of those who do not deserve the pain that I have caused unto them.

What is the right thing to do?

I shouldn't have gotten back together with him. Was it even going to be possible? Living with him in the same house and not dating him? While I knew pretty well that his return awakened my feelings for him. I do not think so.

I will make sure to talk things out with Thabo tomorrow, maybe when the kids are not home.

Tomorrow's Friday, so Naledi is going to school, I am hoping Lesedi visits his friends. And hopefully Thabo isn't going to work tomorrow.

I check the date on my cellphone, I was wrong. Tomorrow is Saturday. I got it all mixed up since I do not have anything to do.
So Naledi is not going to school, now I cannot have a private talk with their father. I would do it now but he is very much useless at the moment.