A Mother's Struggle

Chapter 39

"So Lesedi, how is high school?" The man besides Jessica asks my son.

Really? Really? Now he cares about them? Lesedi answers him and I have to bite my tongue in order to not interfere. I might say things that I am going to regret.

"And Naledi how old are you?"

"Shouldn't you already know that?" I ask before I can process the words.
Everybody looks at me as if I killed somebody.

"That was rude," Chris says under his breath.

"Uh...I need to go." I stand up to go upstairs, more like run upstairs.
I stumble and fall on the stairs, I think I twisted my ankle.
That does not stop me, I limped heavily as I moved though. Chris ran up to me, telling the kids that he will take care of it. I might as well tell him what is going on, tonight.

He lifts me and puts me on my bed and he takes a sit next to me and massages my ankle.

"What has been bothering you since last night? And do not say nothing because I will not believe you. What is going on Mmampho?"
I flinch when he touches the most painful spot on my ankle, asking him to go easy there. I look at him, I am lucky to have this man in my life.

"Please Mmampho, do not close me out." He begs.

"Thabo is Lesedi and Naledi's father." The words feel like a spike on my chest.

He stops massaging my leg, his eyes are wide open, he does not even look at me.
Chris stands up and walks around my room, the air keeps thickening between us.
Before I know it, a salty tear slides down my cheek. Followed by another from my other eye. I have no other way to express how I feel right now.

"Him being back there brings back memories Chris, I'm sorry for causing a scene but it feels like I worked hard towards healing for nothing." I say, it's clear in my voice that I am crying.

"I am so sorry, I did not want to tell you because I did not want to ruin your friendship Chris please for..."

"Mmampho it's not your fault. I totally understand. I am not mad, I just did not expect this." He tells me.

He is worried. I can see it in his dark brown eyes. He is trying to hide it. What exactly is he worried about? He chuckles in disbelief. He cracks his knuckles.

"Are you okay?" He asks me.

"Chris, truth is, I am not okay. His face brought back a lot of memories, the night he kicked me out of his house. I swear I thought Thabo's life would be a mess. I thought karma would deal with him, Chris why didn't it? Why is he happy? Why is he rich? I am the same person he left years ago, just a little bit more broken. I'm a mess because of what he did years ago. Nothing has changed but his life changed for the better? He just got engaged yesterday to top it all off. What kind of sick game is the universe playing on me? I do not deserve this Chris, I don't." I sniff with every pause I make.

I speak through my sobs. I am infuriated. I am sad. I am heartbroken. I am just not okay. My eyes are dripping with tears. The walls that have kept me strong, the walls of hope and progress have just collapsed. Yet again, I feel weakened, I feel hopeless and useless. The room seems to be getting smaller with every breath I take. Salty water rolls off my chin and drenches my t-shirt. The pain is still an open wound and any person can hear it through my sobs. It feels good to finally talk to someone about it but it does not make the pain go away does it? Chris has no idea what to say to me because he does not understand how I feel. I know my lip is quivering, It's as if I am scared. All emotions at once inside of me, it's too much to handle. It's a heavy burden on my shoulders and I do think I can be persistent anymore, I do not think I have the strength to fight this anymore.

I fought it, I fought it for ten full years. A lot of lies and secrets were involved but that was my means of fighting this whole thing, I persevered, I fought it in my own ways, although sometimes I was irresponsible. Ten years, I have been in some tunnel, with no light. I was suffering and when I find happiness, when I win the battle, ultimately, when I am so close to the finish line...

He shows up, he shows up to ruin everything. I have to start all over and I have no energy anymore. It has all been drained. I am done. I am done trying. I do not think I can do this anymore. What is the point? I will work on healing only to be broken again. I do not want this back and forth anymore. I do not think I have it in me to fight anymore. I do not even know if it's worth it anymore.

"He is there, a better man to Jessica but he was never there to help me raise his children. Why did he change for her? Why didn't he come look for his children? Does he even remember that he has kids? Is he putting an act for you guys or he genuinely changed? I can see he's different and Jessica is happy but..." I stop talking.

I wanted to say that I wanted him to make me happy like he is making Jessica happy, I wanted what Jessica has with him but that would be unfair to Chris if I said that, it would just come out wrong. But what I mean is, back then I wanted this better Thabo, I wanted him to marry me. He has been living the perfect life while I was there in a two-room shack made of rusting zinc, everything inside of it was second-hand, my income was the support grants from the government, while his salary was my income multiplied by hundreds of thousands.

I do not think I believe in karma anymore, if karma was actually a thing, Thabo would not be working for Chris in his company, he would actually be his gardener or eating from dustbins as I watch my life elevate. His life got better after he left me while mine got worse. Where's the karma in that? Where is the "what goes around comes back around," in that? I don't think I understand life anymore. This thing is unpredictable.

In fact, I do not think I want to live anymore.

"Are you going to tell the children?" Chris asks me.

I shrug. It's best they know their father, Lesedi was too young when he last saw Thabo so I guess he does not remember the way he looks.

"You should." He says and I nod slowly.

I honestly do not know what to say. I thought I had forgiven Thabo, I thought it was all over but I hate him even more now that I know his life is perfect.

I want to screech so loud that the whole neighborhood hears me, my soft sobs are not helping.

"I am so sorry Mmampho, I cannot imagine how you feel. I am sorry for bringing him into your life, I didn't..."

"It's okay Chris, it's not your fault. This just proofs that the world is so small. I'll be fine." I assure him without assuring myself first. I mean, I do not know if I will be fine.

"Do you want to talk to him?" Chris asks me.
I shrug.

What is the right thing to do? I think I will stab him if I talked to him alone. I just feel this anger towards him.