A Mother's Struggle

Chapter 41

The only thing running in my mind is that out-of-nowhere kiss from yesterday. I know I enjoyed having his lips locked against mine, that is what I am trying to figure out.
How do I feel towards him?
Is it anger, hurt or bitterness. Maybe I am bitter that he is happy without me, maybe I am bitter that his life is great while mine was a piece, actually still is a piece of trash.

Gosh! My life is a joke. Straight up comedy, is what my life is. Well it's tragic, sad but still is funny.

I got pregnant at seventeen. I moved out of my parents' house at seventeen. I dropped out of school at seventeen. I fell in love throughout those years. I fell pregnant again at twenty two, and the father of my children kicked me out when I was seven months pregnant. I have been poor for ten years now. I met a man that shows me genuine love, I think. I moved in with him after my shack was burnt, four months later he invites me to his best friend's engagement proposal, only to find out that his best friend is the same guy that kicked me out with two of his kids ten years ago. The same person who was the reason I left my parents' house. I was foolish enough to choose him over my parents. I was invited to tag along and witness my baby daddy propose to another woman, and he is rich and happy, and the only time I get to talk to him, he kisses me and the kiss was breath-taking, which is so weird. What sick life is this? My life is trashy, if I had to sit and tell my life stories to my great-grandchildren, they would think it's from some fiction book.

A sad, sad fiction book.

I hope everybody is gone, I need time for myself. I do not want Chris nagging me about telling the kids. I would also feel guilty seeing him because I kissed his best friend, my ex boyfriend. 

Wow!

From my room, I hear the doorbell. I walk downstairs to see who it is. Can that person not disturb my peace please. I cannot deal.

I open the door and to my surprise, it's Thabo. Why is this guy ought to torture my healing soul?

"Oh my God!" I roll my eyes.

"Can we talk."

"What about? I am not interested in what you have to say." I lie.

"Please forgive me for whatever pain I have caused you. I am so sorry for making your life a living hell. I am sorry for everything wrong that happened in your life, I am truly sorry."

I leave the door and lean against the counter.
He seems to mean it, but I cannot give in so easily. It would make him think he still has power over me.

"Why did you do it?" I didn't notice my tear until it dropped on my chest. I make sure to wipe it quickly, I do not want to seem weak.

"You know what, I do not care. Just leave me alone." I turn and attempt to leave, but he grabs my right arm.
I try to jerk away but his grip is strong on my hand, always has been actually.

I try harder and he says, "don't."

"I know you care. I saw you the first time you saw me. I saw you crying there, I know you are not over the whole thing. Even when we came here for supper, you ran upstairs Mmampho. I honestly do not want to cause you anymore pain. I am so sorry for the pain that I caused you already. I won't lie and say it was not intentional, I was wrong to do that. I was wrong to abandon my kids too. I wish you could see my heart right now, I can't seem to imagine the trauma that I have put you through and the kids. Honestly, If I could take it all back, I would and be a lot better. I am truly sorry Mmampho. I do mean this. I wish the kids could also see how sorry I am, I never showed them the love  that they deserve, they never had a father and everything is my fault, I wish they..."

"Dad?" Lesedi has his eyes widened, and his mouth is parted in disbelief, or is it shock? I cannot really tell.
How long have they been standing there? Lesedi's eyes are watery. I can see that he is trying hard to blink the tears away.
The mood is tense, no one is saying anything.