A Mother's Struggle

Chapter 24

I've been crying in the shower for more than fifteen minutes now. I am worried about my son. I am worried about how this affects him. It worries me more that he has kept this in for so many years and does not seem to forget everything that happened that night. He is only fourteen years old. His childhood has been ruined since that night, the 29th of September 2013. Three months before his sister was born.

I saw the way he expressed his anger a few minutes ago, the pain was visible in his eyes. It was like he was about to give up in life. Seeing Chris and Gift opened up old wounds. I cannot have the memory of that night playing in my son's mind. Maybe we should leave, just until Gift leaves so that things become easy for Lesedi.

I just remembered that we do not have a home. So that cannot happen. I do not know how to help my son. I have no idea what to do. Seeing my son like that makes me want to hate Thabo too. It makes me want to hunt him down and strangle him to death when I find him, it makes me want to see him die a slow and painful death. I hate it when I have dark thoughts. I hate it when I get angry to the point that I curse someone.

I just want Thabo to see what his children are going through, all because of his irresponsibility. I just hope he gets what's coming to him. I want him to regret kicking me out that night. It's bad enough that he broke my heart, but his own children?

My thoughts are interrupted by a knock on the door. I ignore it but the person does not give up.

"Who is it?" My voice gives it away that I have been crying.

"Are you okay Mmampho?" Chris asks me.
I switch off the water and take the white towel that was hanged. I wrap myself with the towel.

"Uhm...yes." I say.

"Are you sure?"

"Come in." I tell him.

He opens the door slowly as if he is not opening to see his girlfriend. I guess it's because he has never seen me naked and he wouldn't want to start at such a tense moment. As soon as he walks through the door, I rush to hug him. I can't help it but start crying.

"It'll be okay." He tries to comfort me.

His tight hug feels very warm. It's one of the hugs that I have been longing for, for a very long time. It's tighter than the one he gave me last time. It's the "I will never let you go" hug.

"Go and dress then come up to my room so that we can talk. Is that fine?"
I nodd. I put on my shoes and go to the room that I was given. I do not know whether to call it my room yet.
I do as he told me then I head to his room. On top of my pajamas, I am wearing my sky-blue gown.

When I get there, he made coffee for me. Black and strong, just how I like it. This is half of what I need right now.

He pats the space next to him to show me where to sit. I sit next to him and lean against his broad shoulder.

"Chris, my son is not happy." I tell him.
This pains my heart and when I am hurt, I cry. I cry too because I have no idea how I need to solve this. I have always been the one who needs to be told to be okay, I am always the one who is always bothered but now I have to help my son deal with this. I have never been good with comforting people.

"What do you mean?" He asks me.
I can hear that he is trying to be as soft as he can be.

"He ran to his bedroom earlier because he could not handle the fact that he is seeing another boy having a father-son relationship with his father while his father was never there for him. Chris, Lesedi was there the night his father kicked us out of his house. He saw everything. He saw how I begged his father not to kick us out, he heard what his father said about them and I. He was only four years old and he can remember everything that happened that night. He blames his father for our poverty, he blames his father for everything wrong happening in our lives. He says that if it wasn't for the father, we would not be here today. Chris what do I do when my son has so much hate in his heart? My son might never forget this and it might haunt him for the rest of his life. I don't know what to do."
I wonder if he could hear a single word over all that weeping.

He caresses on my back.
"I am worried about him." I continue.

"I'm so sorry that I opened old wounds." He says.
I assure him that it is not his fault.
He tells me that I just need to tell Lesedi that hating Thabo will only hurt him more. It will hold him back. It will destroy him. He tells me words that I do not think I will remember when I talk to Lesedi.

This is a very huge burden for a person of his age, let alone a boy. Men find it very hard to deal with feelings compared to women and that is what worries me a little bit more. This is all trauma in my son's life. This whole things was better off affecting me alone, not my children. They are very young.

"Thank you for being there for me Chris. Thanks a lot." I hug him.

"That is what I am here for. You guys do not deserve what is happening to you." He says.

"I did not know Angela was sleeping over." I say. I couldn't keep that in too.
He does not answer which makes me want to look at him.

"Chris!" I call on him.

"Yes she said she has a business meeting nearby." He tells me, rubbing the back of his neck. He took so long to answer which makes me think that he might be lying.

"Right." I say sarcastically.

He assures me that I have nothing to worry about. He also apologized for the fact that Angela thought I was the maid. We actually laughed about that. Like I thought, she is judgemental. She jumped to conclusions just by seeing me. Should I be offended in a way?

"Can you believe it? She made me take her luggage and Gift's to their rooms and said I should bring water to her room." I tell him and laugh.

"Really?" He laughs too.

"She should pay you for that. What surprises me is that you did it. Does she intimidate you?" He laughs at me.

"You are mean. I was just being the nice Mmampho that I am. She cut me off when I was trying to explain to her anyway." I say.

We laugh about it. Chris always has a way of making me smile. He always says the right things at the right time and I love him for that. I thank God for him in my life.

"It's nice to see you smile." He says.
His words make me blush. He is such a flatterer sometimes. I love that he makes me smile. He is able to make a frown disappear anytime.