A Mother's Struggle

Chapter 26

I knock on Chris' door and he comes and opens for me. It's as if he was expecting me. Was it that obvious that I was going to come and apologize? I hope I am not that predictable.

I ask him if he is okay.

"Lesson number 1. You do not ask a person you just hurt if they are okay. It's obvious that they are not." He says. He is very calm and I am nervous.

"Right. I am sorry." I purse my lips.

I walk towards him. He is playing love songs on his iPod. John Legend's Love me now is playing. I love this song, I want to sing along but I do not know if it's the right thing to do. Who am I kidding, of course it's not.

I don't know who's gonna kiss you when I'm gone. So I'm gonna love you now, like it's all I have.
I listen to the song instead of saying anything to him.

"When are you going to stop letting your tragic past intervene with your present?" He asks me as he lowers the volume on the iPod.

"My past was a lesson. I learnt from it and I am not planning on making the same mistakes again. Wouldn't you be cautious if love got you where I am right now?" I question. I keep fidgeting with the necklace around my neck. The necklace he gave me on my birthday. I never take this off, it reminds me that I deserve love too, even though I've been through the worst in life. As a mother and as a lover.

Sometimes, it's not that easy to love again when you have been broken. I am reminded everyday by my poverty that I should never let a person take me for granted. The problem is that, they are not predictable. They will be good and all to you and abandon you when you have fallen deep. I do not want that to happen all over again.

I let Chris in so easily, I do not think I knew what I was doing. I do not think I was ever ready to fall in love again. I should have waited, it all happened so fast.

After Thabo, I was scared to fall in love again. I thought that every man will treat me the way he did. Love was a useless thing at that time, I did not believe it even existed. I thought everybody that says that they are "in love" was being delusional. That they were blinded but I got to learn that everything happens for a reason.

Thabo and I breaking up did not mean that true love does not exist, it simply meant Thabo was not my "true love." That was not the right time for me to fall in love. It was very late when I realized but what is important is that I realized.

I could think, "oh maybe Chris is different, he's going to show me love and appreciate me." Then after two years, I say the same story about another man.

I do not even know what to do right now, but I do love Chris.

"I get confused sometimes. I don't want history to repeat itself." I say as I let out the breath that I have been holding.

He sighs and looks at me.

"You know what, I understand where you come from. I do not blame you. Though, if you were not sure about us, you shouldn't have agreed to be my girlfriend."

I do not know why that line stings so much.

Nobody is shouting, nobody is crying and nobody is showing any anger. This conversation could actually be helpful. His voice still sends a spark down my body, even when I am having my doubts about this relationship.

He is right, I should have thought things through. I should have dealt with my haunting past before I could actually be involved with someone else.

I could not help it though, I caught feelings way too fast. I would regret it if I pushed him away. I am still pushing him away though. Whenever he tries to help me, I let my pride get in the way of everything. I start to overthink everything.