A Mother's Struggle

Chapter 61

My back hurts from sleeping on the couch. I fell asleep as I was beating myself up on all of the regrets of my life. This is going to be the longest Saturday of my life.

I check my cellphone and the time is 06:45, it is so early for me to wake up.

I am going upstairs to sleep again. I do not have anything to do, I should wake up at ten and for someone that slept at 02:00 a.m overthinking, I woke up really early.

I head upstairs and into my room. Thabo is still sleeping.

Is this his way of kicking me out, again?

I realized that I grow paranoid each and every day.

I hear a buzz on my phone.
I need to go to Mavis' neighborhood again. I have to be there at nine to collect something.
Until I know the name of that neighborhood or street or place, I will call it 'Mavis' neighborhood.'

I head to the shower.

After showering, I dress in the most casual clothes I own. The usual clothes; jeans and a t-shirt, with tekkies too.

Thabo is still asleep, I will see him when I get back.

...

I get back and I bought lunch for the family. I am stepping up. I used my children's grants money but hey, I still stepped up as a mother.

Thabo is watching tv and he has a glass of whiskey in his hand. What's bothering him?

As soon as he notices me, he stands up to help me with what I have in my hands.

"I didn't need your help." I say my thoughts out loud.

"I was just offering. Where have you been and why weren't you answering my calls? For a second there I thought that you went back to Chris." He chuckles, and a breath of relief escapes his lips.

I fake a smile then purse my lips to stop myself from cursing him. Why is he acting like last night did not happen? Like he did not moan out another woman's name as we were kissing? There is no way I am acting like last night did not happen.

"Are the kids home?"

"Yes, but they are both fast asleep. We went out for ..."

"Ok good. We need to talk." I interrupt him.

I do not want to know what he did for the day. I lead him to the lounge and I sit down.
Sitting down gives the impression that I will be calm and soft during this "talk," but truth is, I do not want to be calm and soft, I want to shout and scream, I want to be loud and for that to happen, I have to stand up.
My tone has already set a calm mood and my feet are killing me so I will just sit.

"What's wrong?"

Why is he acting like this? Do I have to slap him to jock his memory? My patience is running out.

"Let me go change into my pajamas then I will come back."
I do just that, as quickly as I could.

"Thabo we have to end this."

"End what?"  He asks, clearly confused.

"Our relationship." I shrug and face down.

I gave it a proper thought as I was on my way to Mavis' neighborhood and back. I thought about it and ultimately came to a conclusion that we should end this. Ending this relationship will be good for both of us. He can go to Jessica, that's who he loves anyway and I can...I don't know, try fixing things with Chris, just maybe.

We are not good for each other, Thabo and I are toxic together. If Chris had to find out that I went from him to his best friend, he will be heartbroken, Lesedi wasn't taking it well too and obviously Jessica would not. This relationship will ruin a lot of relationships, for example, my relationship with my son.
I know for sure it couldn't be that easy to accept that I am dating his father.

He furrows his eyebrows and squints his eyes in confusion. His lips are moving but he is not uttering a word, even a sound is not coming out of his mouth.

Say something, please! Again, I hate silence as a response.

"Thabo." I call on him and gesture for him to talk.

"But...but why?" He stammers.

"Because it is the right thing to do?" I say it like it is obvious.

"Is it because of last night, I am so sorry Mmampho. I did not mean for that to happen. I drank a lot and..."

"Yea-yea Thabo blame it on the alcohol!" I roll my eyes like I anticipated him to blame the whole thing on the alcohol. He can be so predictable sometimes.

"But then..."

"You are going to do it again and blame it on the alcohol Thabo. Plus, nobody really forced you to drink that much last night. You called me Jessica and nothing stings more than that, trust me. Nothing stings more than your man calling you by his ex's name while he's pleasing you. Besides, this whole relationship is going to hurt a lot of people."

"Mmampho I am so sorry, please don't break-up with me."

"Is everything alright mom?" Lesedi asks, he's standing by the stairs.

"Yes honey, go back upstairs and keep your sister there too. I am still talking to your father."
He does not argue and he heads back to his bedroom. Thank God!

"I have to."

"I love you..."

"No you don't, you love her." I say, it sounds weird rolling off my tongue.

"Mmampho, we can fix this. Our children need...I, Mmampho please, just try to..." He struggles to form a full sentence.

I did not want to say this but I guess I should.

"Thabo, I do not love you." I finally say it, as dismissive and insensitive as it sounds, it's true and it took me too long to figure it out.
His jaw drops and I see his laryngeal prominence move up then down like he just swallowed a whole liter of saliva.

"What do you mean you don't love me?" He asks, with clear confusion in his eyes.

"I also thought I did, but what I feel for you right now, it isn't love." I pause to process my next sentence properly.
"I was in love with the fact that you are back, I was overwhelmed by my emotions because I had not seen you in ten years. I was in love with the idea of us being together, raising our children together and living as a big happy family. I was in love with the feeling you gave me ten years ago. Also, I envied what Jessica had and wanted it too since you failed to give it to me when we were together years ago." I tell him.

It's true though.
That warm raspy voice that possessed his cords, always sent nerves up my spine. His small smile sent my brain into an uncontrolled, captivated spiral and his hard grip on my waist every time we kissed, lingered; it made a slight mark on my soul; infatuation.
Honestly, calling it love would be a mockery to my heart. But every tempered word he spoke, invaded my mind. His words wrapped my body in a blanket of comfort and consumed my soul in the heat of lust.

With the love-pentagon between, Chris, Thabo, Angela, Jessica and I, I learnt the difference between love and infatuation. Love is unconditional, eternal but infatuation?
It dies.

That's exactly how I felt about Thabo this whole time; infatuation. A lot of people tend to confuse love and infatuation.

Chris once said that a lot of people misuse the word love, he said that it is the most misused word ever and he was right. I am one of the lot that misused this word, I got confused.

He's still in shock and I do not give him the time to speak and I rush out the door, I used his phone to call an uber like he had taught me and leave with my children to Chris' house.

Now that's the love of my life.