A Mother's Struggle

Chapter 44

Lesedi's POV

Naledi wakes me up when she is done showering so that I can go and shower.

I step into the shower. I turn on the lever of the shower and the water pours down, it drips by my side and my mind fades into dullness. The sensation of the steamy water calms me, it takes twenty percent of my mind off this whole thing. Just twenty percent, the other eighty is left for the weed. I am hoping I can get some today.

As I am showering, the world turns into blur, and so does all the sounds. Everything is just...gone. I pause trying to hold back the strange feeling that is rumbling inside of me but I cannot.

A lone tear falls down my cheek. I don't cry, I am a big boy. Actually I am a man, men don't cry. I convince myself that as I wipe the tear off of my face.
I fall to my knees and hurt my left knee against the ceramic floor. Ouch!

My chin trembles as if I am a small child. I can hear myself breathing heavier than I have ever before and even I feel sorry for myself. I am gasping for air. My throat burns forming a silent scream. Is this how it feels when a part dies inside of you?

I am losing my mind...just like everyday since my father came back. That whole night replays in my mind everyday. I cannot deal.

It's so hard explaining how I feel, I would rather keep quiet and let my demons eat me alive. As long as my father is still here, I can never be okay.
Why does my mom think forgiving dad will help me? That man is a monster.

What pisses me off the most is the fact that he is getting married soon. The only time we re-unite with our father, we find out that he is getting married to some colored woman. No hate to Jessica.

So my father was a trashy boyfriend to my mother but changed to be better for Jessica? Their relationship is perfect isn't it? Jessica must feel so lucky that she got exposed to the better version of my sperm-donor. Why change now though?

I tried looking on the bright side of the situation, I tried to analyze as to how forgiving him will do me good. I just don't see it, the nightmares will never go away. The pain won't suddenly dissipate into thin air. That night damaged me forever. It broke me. And here he is living his best life.

Naledi's voice at the door telling me that we are going to be late, snaps me out of my dark thoughts.

I had forgotten that I was in the shower, the water had even started to be cold. I turn off the water and step outside.
..

Chris offered to take us to school today. I sit on the passenger seat and my sister sits at the back.

I stare out the window and I do not utter a single word during this short trip.

"Lesedi!" Naledi and Chris call on me.

"What!" I snap.

"We've arrived." Chris says.

"Oh, uh okay thanks." I say as I open the door.

"Lesedi what's wrong with you?" Naledi asks as we walk into the school building.

"Nothing, leave me alone." My tone is harsh and I am not even sorry for it.

"Is it about dad coming back bro? Because I am happy about it." She says, clear certainty in her voice.

I don't look at her, I just ignore her and make my way upstairs.

"Lesedi, why are you being so juvenile about this? Move on, that was ten years ago." She says and I immediately turn to look at her, my turning is slow.

She is a few steps below me, her class is downstairs.

"What did you just say?" She has never disrespected me like that and if we weren't at school, I would smack her.
I am her big brother, she should respect me and not call me juvenile.