So I decided to write an additional chapter about how Octavia tells Jasper about her situation, that you all know from previous chapters and I hope that you'll like it. This will be intense!
OCTAVIA:
Okay so here it goes; "I happened to come across this guy and now I'm carrying his child. It just kind of happened and I didn't intend to be such a slut, I'm really sorry." Shit. That sounds even worse than I expected it would. I thought to myself. How could I do this to him? He was like the nicest guy alive and I am a horrible person. And I'm only sixteen! There is no way this is normal teenage problems. My mother would hate me. She would be so disappointed. She would give me the same look Bellamy gave me.
"Hey Jasper, I-" I started in my head. "am an idiot" I finished.
"What are you doing?" Jasper laughed from behind of me, grinning when I turned around to look at him. He startled me and I was so grateful that I practiced in my head and not out loud. I looked like a fool though, and I din't know how to explain how my hands had been moving in wierd talking movements and how I paced slowly back and forward.
"Are you okay, O?" he asked worried when I din't come up with anything to tell him.
"I need to tell you something" I rushed my words and I could feel my heart beathing it's way through my chest. I hoped he didn't notice.
"Okaaay..." he replied uncertain and slow with suspicious eyes.
"Sit down" I pointed at my makeshift bed.
"What's going on, Octavia?" he asked more serious and scared.
"Just sit down" I said, probably to harsh but god knows he will feel more pain only minutes from now. And that would be on me. He stayed quiet and sat down like I told him. I sat down next to him and took a deep breath.
"Jasper,-" I trailed off when I looked into his eyes. The boy that I should have loved. "You'regonnahatemesomuch" I whispered quickly along with the breath I just released.
"Hate you?" He asked puzzled and he really looked genuinly concerned for me. He grabbed my hand with his and I quickly stood to my feet. He looked down disappointed and hurt, ashamed even.
"So that's what this is about then?" he asked quietly.
"What?"
"You don't like me" he explained. I felt like bursting into tears. To lay down on the ground and feel absolutly nothing for a while. That would be nice. But first I had to do this.
"No, Jasper, that's not-" I started but he interfiered before I finished.
"It's okay"
"That's not it!" I said more determined, but my lips still trembled from the words.
"I'm pregnant" I looked down at my hands, not able to meet his gaze.
"What? Did somebody-" he fumbled with his words. "Did somebody...abuse you?" his words were so loving and full of genuin concern as he took my face in both of his hands.
Tears filled my eyes and as I looked up at him they all poured down my cheeks.
"No." I answered him ashamed. He took the words in and backed up, away from me. He looked at me in disgust. My tears didn't slow their pace, as they kept running.
"Jasper, I'm so so sorry! I don't know what to say" I panic when he moved for the exit of my tent. I grabbed his arm but he jerked it back.
"Just please, let me explain!" I begged him as I ran after him out of the tent. "Jasper, please!" I begged him to stop.
"Let me guess...it just happened?" he turned around fiercly and looked at me sternly, his words harsh as they hit my ear.
"Listen,-" I didn't know what to say. There wasn't any explanation good enough.
"NO, OCTAVIA! I am done listening! I have spent my entire time down here proving to you that I am good enough for you, when the throught is,-" he laughed a short, dry and humorless laugh to himself. "I was to good for you all along"
His words hit me like a slap in the face and I now noticed the stares people were giving us. My tears stoped running and I think he just realized how bad his words hurt. But maybe they were the truth. Maybe he always was to good for me. And maybe I always knew it.
"Oh god, I,-" he started to take his words back. If I was him, I wouldn't. I would probably just kept going.
"It's okay, you're right" I told him and I meant it.
"No, i'm not" he looked so pained from the words he told me and I just wanted to take his pain away. Here I am, telling him that I betrayed him and he feels bad for the words he threw in my face. That's not right. He should be furious.
"I can't explain it to you, but I am really really sorry, Jasper."
He ran his hands through his hair and sighed frusturatedly. He breathed slowly in and out and I saw his eyes slowly turning watery and shiny.
"Who was it?" he ask silently, so only I would hear him. "Who gave you what I couldn't?"
"Jasper," I pleaded. His words are breaking me apart, even though they have all right to.
"You're right, I don't want to know" he looked away and he ran his hands over his face.
"So I'm gonna go..." he said without a second glance at me, pain clear in his voice. I didn't blame him. I hated me to. So he turned around and walked away. And I didn't stop him. His words kept replaying in my mind. The truth of them hurt the most.
I was to good for you all along.
SOOOOOO, I hope you liked it. Just a little update on the Jactavia front and were they kind of stand at the moment. It's really hard writing this because I actually am a Jactavia fan but I love Lincoln as well so it's really complicated and I'm really torn between them. Anyways, thanks for reading! ILY!
xoxo
