By the Angel

Chapter 45

He's still sitting at the edge of my damn bed just looking at me like he wants to cry and honestly? I'm struggling with wanting to hug him or make him cry more by connecting my fist with his nose.
"Well? Where is this Morgenstern history lesson I was promised?" I say trying to get this over with.

"Where do you want me to start?"

"I guess the beginning, " I say idiotically, I don't want to know what's behind this monsters mask, I'm afraid if I peel back the layers I won't see a monster at all, just my brother.
My brother has done monstrous things.
I remind myself, what is wrong with me? I'm almost as messed up as Jonathan!

"I was put into foster care as an infant and it's never been... the ideal situation. For the longest time, all I had ever known was abuse, bruises covering head to toe, missing meals, skipping school because the welts couldn't be covered. It's not like the school system cared anyway, the kids at school added their own works of art with their fists to match our dads. My entire existence, my entire being was abuse, I would get up go to school and get beat, then I would come home and get it worse. There was no escape. Not until Valentine, " he says pausing as if his next words are too difficult to voice.

"John, " I say reaching out to grab his hand, as soon as my fingers brush his he sighs almost as if this one simple gesture gives him the strength to continue. I immediately regret impulsively reaching out but in a way, I kind of don't.

"If I thought I had gotten beaten before... It was always so much worse with him as I'm sure you know. By the time he found me, Clary I was broken, I actually thought his mental and physical abuse was okay because it was out of love... how stupid is that?" He asks clinging to my hand for dear life, " How stupid was that?" he repeats and my heart breaks for him.

"It's not stupid, it's human nature."

I'm surprised you could think I was anything other than a monster after what I did to you."

"All monsters are human Johnathan. "

I don't want to think of him as human but then again, I don't want to continue to think of him as a villain either but that's what he is. The second I'm out of here I need to get my damn head checked.

"So, when Valentine adopted me, I thought things would be different and for the first few months they were, everything was great and then it wasn't, " he says pausing briefly before continuing.

"looking back now I think he just was manipulating me to ensure my loyalty. Once he had that there was no need for the pretenses. He knew he had me right where he wanted me in the palm of his hands. I let him turn me into a monster because I was so desperate for a family, desperate to be loved, hell I would have settled for not hated, " he says wiping his eyes.

"I've always thought it was my fault, that I deserved it, that's how I was raised. But when Valentine told me that I... that I killed my mother by being born it's like I gave up. I finally knew why I spent my life being beaten, it was my price to pay for the life I took."

"Johnathan, how could you possibly bear the blame for something that happened at birth?Which was a lie by the way our mother is still alive and kicking and completely under Valentine's control, at this point I doubt she'd even care if he killed me."

"I wish that weren't true, but I fear you are correct, I was so relieved when you found that guy Jace and moved in with him for about two seconds, then Valentine lost his mind and I knew I had to get you out. I don't think he would hurt your family though Clary, I mean he would without batting an eyelash but he still needs something from you if he needs something from you, you're safe. It's when you're considered useless that you and everyone you love becomes disposable. "