By the Angel

Chapter 48

Clary's POV

I wake up to Luna nudging my foot and I smile. The name Jace chose really does fit. I wish I could take her home with me, I wish I could take them all home with me, they saved my life.
I kiss Jace on the cheek as I gently slip out from under his arms and walk to the edge of the cave. The sun is beaming which means I've been sleeping for hours. As I sink to the ground I replay the events of last night.

By the time I finally stopped running I had nothing left. I ran until I had nothing left. Passed out right there in the snow. I always thought I would go out fighting, that I never needed to be saved. I thought I was invincible but I'm not. I thought I hated my brother but I don't, I can't. I thought fighting filled that void for me and it did for a while... until I remembered just how deep that pit inside my stomach had grown. Everything I thought I knew was wrong.

Pretending you're not in pain doesn't means it just goes away. It hides dormant inside of you until triggered. And Johnathan triggered everything I've been holding inside of me my entire life.

I thought that it started two years ago, the not letting anyone in but the truth is I've built these walls a hell of a long time ago. I had to, to survive. Even with Simon and Luke, even with Magnus there was always a barricade they didn't know about.

Something so awful that thinking about it even now makes me want to break. I've buried this secret so deep inside myself that I was almost numb to the pain it caused... until I saw that same torment reflected in Johnathan's eyes.

As silently as I can I let it out, every bottled up hidden memory I've kept locked up refusing to even acknowledge, I let in.

Just when I thought I would be lost to my despair, Jace is kneeling before me.

"Clary," he says, his voice sounding as broken as I feel."Baby did he hurt you? I'll kill him, I swear, I'll rip his heart right out of his chest."

"No!" I say quickly knowing I will never be able to explain this correctly. I'll never be able to make him understand because I don't understand it myself.

"Clary, you don't have to tell me but I can see it baby. I'll kill him, do you hear me?"

"He didn't hurt me, he only tried to protect me, given it was in the worst possible way. But he didn't hurt me, he was just desperate to keep me safe. It's just being there with him, it brought back shit I didn't want to deal with. But I'm fine." I wipe the tears from my face, embarrassed that I let myself breakdown, " I'm fine," I say determined. It doesn't matter if it's true, I'm not okay, not even a little bit but breaking down further isn't an option.

"Clary, I don't care why he took you okay? I'm sorry but I don't believe this manipulative monster for a second. He will pay in blood for what he did to you two years ago, and two days ago."

"Jace, please don't." I practically beg. Funny how the world works. A few weeks ago I would have been supplying the knife to slit his throat but now? I don't know how to explain it in a way where I won't sound insane but I think he can be saved.

"You can't ask that of me Clary, I can't let him get away with what he's done," he says taking my face into his hands.

"Jace," I say but it comes out a whisper," I'm asking anyway, please. He's my brother." I say hoping he understands, "is asking you not to commit murder really so much to ask?" I say only half joking.