For His Entertainment

Chapter Fifty

I struggled to walk towards the balcony. I need to breathe, I need to think, I need to understand. My head is already spinning because of the fatigue and my chest were closing in that I can almost feel it crushing my lungs. When I opened the glass door leading to the balcony, the cold air immediately blew against my skin.

This was contrary to the hot tears produced by my eyes.

Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala sa inasal ni Zach. Sure, he tops the list of the assholes in my life, but then, he never hurt me physically. Ngayon lang.

I tried to calm myself down by breathing gently, through my nose and breathing out through my mouth. I held on to the railings for dear life so I can still have a grasp of the reality.

Inangat ko ang tingin sa kalangitang napupuno ng bituin at ang buwan na nagsisilbing liwanag sa dilim. I bit my lip as I felt the hot tears welling up on my eyes once more, stinging my tear ducts.

I bit my lip to stifle a sob. Since when did I become so weak? Since when was I silenced? Maybe it was the accumulation of control they exercised over me that I feel like speaking up is a chore itself.

I miss my mom.

I miss my family.

I miss myself.

Pinikit ko ang mga mata ko at sinandal ang sariling katawan sa ralings. I crossed my arms against my chest and caressed my arms. Pinipilit ko pa rin pakalmahin ang sarili, but the more I try, the more I fail.

If only I have the choice to just walk away, I would've done so. But then, I'd need to pay the breach of contract and damages. That would leave me with zero money, maybe even negative. Then what path will I take from there? I didn't graduate from college. Anong trabaho ang kukuha sa kin? How will I continue to live?

Will my family still accept me?

If oy I can have a redo of my life. If only I finished my studies first. But then again, there's no point in revisiting the past.

"I think you need this."

All my attempts to calm myself drastically faded away when I heard a very familiar voice. Even though it was raspy, my whole body still know whom it belonged to. And in that voice, I felt a weird emotion I've never felt for a very long time—comfort.

Yet along with this comfort came the pain, until it was slowly overpowering everything else. Until there was nothing but pain—just like the last time I heard his voice.

Dahan-dahan akong lumingon sa pinanggalingan ng boses and my heart ached even more upon seeing Spencer at his own balcony. He was holding out a lit cigarette, its smoke was the only thing in between us. Matagal ko iyon tinitigan, pinagmamasdan kung paano kainin ng apoy ang papel.

Pinunasan ko ang luha sa mga mata ko at ngumiwi nang maramdaman muli ang sakit ng aking pisngi. I clenched my jaw and with every courage I have left, I looked at his face.

This face has been the center of my life since time immemorial, and I can't believe that the only thing I remember from his face was all the anger and shouting and cursing. All I remember was the bitterness when we separated.

I didn't want to speak. I didn't want to give him the pleasure of knowing how I became like this—worthless. I didn't want him to know that I settled to being just for everyone's entertainment.

I didn't want to prove him right.

"I'm fine," mahinahon kong sambit. "Thanks."

I turned my back and walked back to my room, shutting the door closed behind me.