For His Entertainment

Chapter Sixty-one

The first time I stepped foot inside my bedroom, an immediate wave of nostalgia hit me. Nothing has changed, all the furniture pieces are exactly where they are.

"We had your room cleaned every day," Mom uttered while she was tailing behind me, her voice shaky. "We're so glad you're home. Go rest, darling. You'll need it."

Muli ko siyang hinarap at niyakap, her presence calming me. I wanted to ask her to stay. I've been alone for a long time and all I want right now is her presence. But I know she has to rest, too. I can see how tired she is kahit na hindi niya sinasabi.

So instead, I just planted a kiss on her cheek.

The moment I was alone in my room, I immediately hopped in the bath to take a much-needed hot shower. Muli kong tiningnan ang mga pasa sa katawan ko, some of them are already fading. But I know that even when they're gone, they will continue to haunt me. It's not just the physical pain - it's the emotional and mental pain as well.

And then there's Spencer. He saved me from Zach that night. I already gave in to whatever Zach was about to do to me especially after seeing the rage in his eyes when I tried to fight back for the first time. Then Spencer came to my rescue. He's caught up with some legal issues because of me, and I just sent him away.

Why?

Pinikit ko ang mga mata ko at hinayaan ang mainit na tubig na dumaloy sa katawan ko.

Natatakot ako. Shit, that's right. That's the reason. Natatakot akong nariyan siya. Natatakot ako na baka iwan niya lang ulit ako. Natatakot ako sa presensya niya, because with him, I'm fragile. With him, I am shamelessly naked. But deep down, I wanted him to stay, to prove me that there's nothing to be scared of, that he's not gonna leave me anymore. Deep down, I wanted to push him away so he'll pull me even closer.

Deep down, I still need him.

How can he be the cause and the cure all at the same time?

I didn't dwell too long on the thought. I can already feel my head spinning in exhaustion. After my bath, I immediately changed into my pajamas and tucked myself.

Pero kahit na pagod na pagod na ang katawan ko, my mind was still running on circles.

I don't know how long I kept on turning on my bed, trying so hard to sleep, but it was no use. My body was aching but my mind was wide awake. I dragged myself out of the bed and slowly walked towards my shelf. Mula roon ay kinuha ko ang bote ng Bvlgari.

I sprayed it all over my sheets, and its scent brought immediate relief.

***

"What a fucker," Adeline rolled her eyes over the screen of my phone. Beside her was Helga who nodded her head in agreement. "Ang kapal talaga ng mukha niya!"

"Kumusta ka ngayon, Ally?" Ngumuso si Helga.

I shrugged and stuffed my mouth with cereals. God, it's been long since I ate with no regrets. "Getting by."

"I can't imagine how hard it must be for you," Adeline's mood immediately changed from mad to sympathetic. "The things the netizens are saying about you are disgusting! How can they be a fan of a rapist?!"

Tumango lamang ako. My therapist already advised me to steer clear of the social media because it wasn't helping me, not even a bit. I offered my years to them, I opened my life to them, only to end up being the subject of ridicule, of discrimination, of sexism.

"I don't know what happened with Zach, too. Hindi naman siya ganyan."

"Yeah, lalo na noong napanood namin 'yung interview niya—" Helga was cut off when Adeline looked at her meaningfully. "I mean, uh, maybe he changed because of the spotlight, the fame, the money, or the power."