Without You

11. I'd Only Drag You Down

A/N - Another early update...🤐😂

It was over. He'd survived. Dec sagged into his seat in the back of Joe's van. He was already starting to crash, he could feel it. From the other side of the bench seat, Ali was watching him worriedly. She was so, so proud of her husband – his performance tonight had been a triumph, there was no doubt the show had been a massive success – but at the same time she knew an emotional meltdown might be coming as soon as they got home. She had known Dec for over 20 years, and as his and Ant's manager, she had been with him at the vast majority of their shows. This was the worst he'd ever looked after one. Words couldn't describe the sense of utter exhaustion emanating from him, and there was just such a broken, desolate look about him. Yes, he was clearly relieved to have the show behind him, but everything he'd been holding in for the last few hours was clearly surging underneath the surface, ready to burst forth as soon as he was in a safe environment. Her heart ached to see him like this.

Silence reigned in the back of the van for the drive home, the only sound that of the radio quietly playing in the background. Dec was so quiet Ali was convinced he'd dropped off, but every time she glanced over at him, he was staring sadly out the window. No tears, though.

She could sense he needed this peace and quiet after his hectic, incredibly stressful day on basically no sleep, so she didn't say a word, just held his hand between hers hoping it would help to ground him. He was such a tactile person, Dec was, while she wasn't. And that had been a bit of an odd hurdle for them when they first started dating, since none of Dec's previous partners had been that way. But Dec had eventually learned to let Ali initiate any hand holding or cuddling, rather than encroaching on her boundaries. And Ali had grown to love his cuddles – who wouldn't! – so they'd sort of met in the middle in the end. Even so, Ali knew physical contact was something that calmed Dec, gave him comfort, so she had been trying her best to be there for him ever since that horrible afternoon when he'd gotten Christine's phone call. And she knew he appreciated her efforts, even if he didn't say it in so many words. Right now, his grip on her hand was tight, like he was clinging on for dear life. He definitely needed her reassurance tonight, that was for sure.

It was just after 10:40pm when Dec and Ali finally got home. Dec was too tired to take a shower, so changed straight into his nightwear as soon as he'd found the energy to drag himself upstairs to their bedroom, immediately climbing into bed and pulling the covers up to his chin. He was freezing cold, his body rapidly going into a delayed sort of shock as he came down from the extreme stress of the day. Closing his eyes, Dec just lay there for several minutes, huddled under the covers, body buzzing with that odd sort of energy you get when you've passed a healthy point of exhaustion. But his mind was racing, body tense and unable to relax. And there was still this weird sense of dread lingering at the back of his mind that he couldn't quite figure out. He had a horrible feeling it was connected to Ant somehow, but he convinced himself that it was probably just due to his never-ending worry over his friend. Regardless, it was becoming quite clear he couldn't sleep yet.

Plus, he really needed to know how the public had reacted to the show. With shivering fingers, he opened the Twitter app on his iPhone and began scrolling through their mentions. As he read tweet after tweet, he began getting choked up, vision blurring rapidly as the overwhelmingly kind words acted like a soothing balm on his aching soul. There were multitudinous tweets from his peers and other celebrities – even Alan Shearer! – and those were moving, but it was the incredible level of support from the public that really got to him.

Tears streamed down Dec's face in a silent cascade as he continued reading their devoted fans' love-filled messages. Yes, there were some highly negative comments here and there, but the vast majority of the public response seemed to be amazingly positive. So did that mean he'd actually succeeded? That it hadn't been a spectacular failure? He couldn't believe it; it didn't seem possible.